The boy who dreams to be a hero... did become a "Hero"...

so I did manage to become a hero... Just for one day thou.

I finally did it. I was able to fulfill another dream. But later about the dream, let me tell you how it was today for me and for my son. It was just the two of us who went to the Toycon. Well, a few friends did go with us. As soon as we arrived, there wasn't much people. Not much in costumes. By 11 AM then people start to crowd. It was time to transform... So I wore the suit. And the moment I came out of the dressing room, people start asking for pictures. A few kids here and there were afraid of me but a few also stood up and took pictures with me. It was a really fun experience. Parents, who were at my age, knew who I was and they would call my character to get a picture. It was a fun experience.

But what really made me happy was during the middle of the day, you could hear people saying, "That guy was my idol, he was my hero." I am happy for playing this character as somehow, it made me wish i was indeed the hero people look up too. I wanted to be hero. I really felt tired after all this, but seeing people smiling, posing beside me, having their picture taken, it was more than I can ask for. I am glad that I was able to make them smile today and make them recall their childhood which most of us tend to forgot nowadays. 

I was at my highest happiness today. I think nothing can top this for now. 

Back to the dream... as to sum it up, it's not too late to do what you want to do as a child. It will fill that gap that you have. I want to impart to all those that regardless of age, as long as their as time, as long as their is will, you can always achieve your childhood dream. It is never too late.

I am happy to be a hero. And I will always try to be a hero to my family and friends. They are the ones that give me strength. And again... thank you too for reading!

As time goes, so does my time...

I don't want to grow old and forget things...

As I sat at my office chair, thinking of the future, I recall two things that I don't want to happen to me when I reach that age:
- I don't want to grow old alone...
- I don't want to forget anything...

Of the two things, the second scares me most. Currently I have a loving wife and 2 wonderful children. Thou one is not mine, I think of him as my son. My eldest son. Leaving me to believe I am not alone when I grow old. But still, my life since I was a child up to the very moment I am putting my mind into words, I have live in the comfort of being alone. I go out alone, I would work alone and stay on a lonely cube, looking at the window, wondering what the next day would bring. I hardly go out with friends or even casually hang out with office mates. As if the world outside did not exist for me. As I go home, I am alone with no one to converse about the day. But as soon as I arrive at home, I have my kids to comfort me, and my wife to hug me and welcome me home. So far, that eases the worry and nightmare of being alone...

But what scares me now is that, one day, I'd wake up, not knowing my family only my name. Not knowing, who they are and what they have become. It scares me. I want to recall the first time my daughter and I went out. The first time I met my eldest son. The first time, I kissed my wife.

I want to keep those inside my head. But as I grow old, I tend to forget things now. I don't show signs of the illness but the forgetfulness is beginning to creep underneath and make me feel that I am losing a lot in my life, my past and my present. And if I lost both, I lose my future. I am scared. Deeply scared.

But you can fight time? Time is the only thing no one can ever beat. Not even with the greatest technology that medicine has, the unique me will never be cloned, or recreated. Not even reborn as I am. Time is the ultimate enemy of any man. It is what consumes most people. They say time is gold and so it is. For now, I want to make as much memories as I could and try to keep them inside. But I know sooner or later, they will fade. Pictures might keep them safe but the feeling itself, recalling in your mind, every detail, every sensation, I know would be gone sooner or later. This is life. This is how it is.

Again, my thanks for listening...

2013... What comes next... Everybody finds their place sooner or later...

Song: Sakura Nagishi
Sung by: Utada Hikaru

"Everybody finds love... in the end..."

I type today's blog under this song with also a few websites loading of videos from a very touching series of Thai Insurance Commercials. As I also found this song, the lyrics told me this important lesson in life:


Watching flowers just blossomed fall
“Too early, this year” you said,
In disappointment, regret
And you were beautiful

If you could see me now
I wonder what you would think
Me, living without you

Everybody finds love
In the end

If you could hear the newborn’s cry,
Sound and healthy
Ringing in the town you protected
I know you would be so pleased
The footsteps that continue after us

Everybody finds love
In the end

I can’t believe that I’ll never see you again
I haven’t told you anything yet
I haven’t told you anything yet

Watching flowers just blossomed fall
The trees stood by, helpless

However great the fear, I will not look away
If at the end of everything, there is love

I had found love before from someone dear to me and I want to make this year, something for her to be happy for me. And I am happy for her too. It's just that, all I know is that we were never meant to be.

Moving further to this year, I somehow understood a few important facts in life: to every great comfort, I would need to sacrifice something. As I talked with the wife regarding this, I think we both agreed, we have to let go of one of our comforts to reach our goal this year. We're planning to visit a place soon and finally see if this is our home to be. And I hope, we do find it this time. I'm taking the risk. And the risk is small but the results of the risk is big for both of us as it will comfort our lives greater. This comfort can come back later if God allows.

The year ends for me with the thoughts of what has happened to me this 2012, all the smiles and laughs, all the tears and pain I have seen and felt. Lost relatives, remembering the past, giving up friends. It's the cycle of life as it shows it. I pray to God sincerely that this year, I give my family what they ask so badly of me.

I'll try to add more details for this post hopefully tomorrow, I can detail all of my thoughts for 2012. Again, if you read this, thanks for listening. It's just a husband's hope.

The Eighth Grader Syndrome... conclusion...

I opened a discussion last time regarding this Eighth Grader Syndrome or Chunibyou. After watching the last episode of the same anime, I think the ending summary is what I believe true:


People always say they feel awkward about having eighth-grader syndrome.
They say that they don't want to talk about it, that they want to forget about it for good.
But does that really get rid of our crazy old selves and their wild fantasies...
Back when we thought we were special, when we thought something greater watched over us?
People sometimes tell lies, imaging a completely different fantasy world, dream about the distant future, or invent a lover's relationship that only exists inside their heads.
This process repeats from the day we are born until the day we die, forever and ever.
It is depressing...
It is shameful...
But it is dear to us.
It is an illness known as self-consciousness.
It is something we must all face known as "ourselves".
Indeed we carry our eighth-grader syndrome throughout all of our lives. 


Thou as it states, it is quite embarrassing for most of us at this age, passing high school then college and up to a point of having a family, we still carry these dreams of being special and accepted by society as that special person that any one can believe in as a hero, as a friend, as a lover, as a savior...

I would admit and like Josh said, I'd still act like a kid and do poses like a "Kamen Rider" especially when wearing my kabuto zecter. We all had dreams once, embarrassing as it may be, and it's not bad to carry them as for once it made you feel special. People who had this Chunibyou is for me, at this point, special. They hold the greatest gift that God has given, and that is the power to dream. And honestly sometimes, it's not bad to sometimes act or dream of this fantasies as this what makes you, YOU.

Later!

Admit it! You had one too!

I was a little bored this afternoon at work and decided to do some reading, well some informational reading when I happen to cross this word: "Chuunibyou (Tag name: 中二病) is a form of mental sickness."

Ok ok... so it is something that "ahem" some of us had gone through. Taking the actual definition:

Chuunibyou (中二病), or "Middle-school 2nd Year Syndrome", is a colloquial and rather derisive term in Japan which describes a person at the age of fourteen would either act like a know-it-all adult, or thinks they have special powers no one else has. Some would even go as far as being obnoxious, arrogant, and often look down on adults or older people. This way of thinking or acting is mostly seen in teenagers during adolescence, however there are people who still act like this even after reaching adulthood. 

I would honestly admit and would not lie about it. I had gone through that phase and based from the anime that shows this "mental illness", I am banging my head on the wall knowing that some of the most embarrassing moments of my life was trying to be a hero I am not. Even at this age, I still want to be a hero for the meek and the oppressed but I don't have special powers or gadgets or resources to amass such weapons of mass destruction. And I would point out that either some of the people out there had also this weird, funny and yet embarrassing moment in their life. 

At one moment in time, I actually wanted to be like the character on the left. Bio Booster Guyver: part man, part machine, part alien but all hero.

Nice tag line...

He was a symbol of hero for me. He has no control of his power but leads him to destroying evil and worst, the evil is amongst us! I even wanted to be a cyborg at that time. Drawing schematics of an artificial arm similar to the Bionic Commando. 

Anyhow, I think I almost out grown my syndrome and decided to live a normal life where I am bound by human constraints and the ever so dying laws of humanity whereas the Government governs the masses may it be for the good or for the corrupted way. You can always dream as what they say.

I'd like to hope to hear from some people who had their chunibyou experience and somehow admit that once in their life it was kind of cool to imagine that we used to have huge imagination but as we grow, we soon realize we're just mortals. I bid the night farewell and off to see the next morning!

A little Christmas party, here and there

Ok... where do we start?

Last week, I had a few engagements that I want to share. First of all, last week was the department's small Christmas party. At first, it was about to get fun but somehow, someone threw a monkey wrench at the event and everything went sour. On top of that, the head honcho or our department got an email which I expected to get back the day after the Christmas party. 

Sadly, I had to go out at the parking lot and do the task needed. It was my job to begin with so I can't complain. Upon returning, no food, no drinks left. So I am left hungry, starving. This is one of those christmas parties I would consider a failure to manage. But anyhow, regardless, I pray everyone else had fun.

Moving along, I finally got my wife her gift and my daughter. My wife got the phone she wanted. A dual-sim "China" phone capable of playing all the games she wants and ease of use for her since it's dual-sim. I can't complain about the phone but I think seeing what the phone is, it's worth the buck. As for the small girl, I got her a tablet for her own. It's a cheap tablet as well but it's her whose using it so I can't complain. As long as these two ladies in my life are happy. It should be good. 

I also got myself a phone but this one is free. Well worth it I say. 

One hot mommy!

Anyhow, Saturday came and my wife had her own company christmas party. So, as her driver, I went, and was her plus one to the event. The picture on the left shows how my wife is still able to maintain her self regardless of having 3 children.

She had fun at her event. I too had fun. It was a good week after all.

So far, Christmas is like next week. I plan to hide from all the godchildren I have. Other than that, I got nothing else to do during christmas.

What is there any way with Christmas?

I was told that Christmas is actually for children, a day when they can get whatever they want as long as it's negotiable.

Anyhow, that's about it. I know I  am supposed to add more but I forgot what it was. If I ever get to it, I'll put it here.

Anyhow, if I don't get to blog on the next few weeks, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you!

An exciting evening and a tiring one...

Right now I don't have the picture but I'll try to get it and post it on the next blog I enter.

This is a little late blog as all the events had transpired yesterday evening. To be honest, this is my special invite to a party event and I am happy to begin with. I mean, I've been working for like more than 10 years now and this is the first time I had been invited to this. Technically this is one of the perks they say of having the job I am currently employed at and again, excited and happy to be part of it.

There was singing, partying, food, friends and colleagues! The event was something new to me and I am happy to have been there. I even met a cool singer. Well, not actually met, but hey, she said my name a couple of times : )

I also met an old friend, Margo, whom, I believe from 3 christmas parties and 1 summer party, we've met before from that the old old office of mine. She still remembers me. I was nice seeing her again.

I decided not to stay long as I still have lots of things to do when I get home. Of course light traffic heading home but did not stay long on the road and managed to get home safely.

It's not always I get to go to this kind of things... but I am happy to experience this and hope it happens again! Not soon of course!

About the last blog, I decided not to tell or keep it to myself. Something is bound to come along. And I do believe miracles exists. If it didn't, why was the word even invented?

Looking back at the events that had transpired from my career, I had ups and downs. I had never thought that someday, I'd reach this level. I always thought that I might end up pushing numbers and papers to make ends meet but things turned out well. Just a few more push and I can finally fulfill my wife's dream.

Throughout my career, I've been into different jobs and sadly, never stayed long enough. It was a trend this modern times especially if you came from a call center environment. The longest I've been in one office was like 3-4 years.

At this point, my father keeps reminding me, "You need to stay in one work. Set roots."

I want to but opportunity keeps coming and you know the saying, "opportunity knocks only once."

Well, I think for now, I'd watch how things come out and if it gets better then I am very thankful!

Again, thanks for listening...

Why?

I don't know... It just happens.

Somehow things got complicated than I expected and somehow I am at my wits end.

I cannot share this to the person closest to me as I fear my greatest fear comes to a reality.

I try to hide the face that things go bad, I always carry it by myself but sometimes, honestly, I can't carry all this worry alone.

I am supposed to trust her and yet I cannot. I cannot share this problem with her. I'm out of words when it comes to this.

And somehow, nothing is coming out in my head. Solutions are blank. I know there is answer but the risk it imposed is higher. Question is why does this happen, especially at the most crucial and important moments?

I am scared right now.

I'm not supposed to be but I am. I can't think straight right now!

Sleeping in between short periods...

Another long time before I posted.

So what has been happening in the world.

First one was the IT Team building I attended. To be honest this is the second time I had attended a team building event. Enjoyable as well and a lot to be happy about. I was rowdy as always and again trying to fit or blend in. It was fun actually. Had a met a few more great people from other sites.

But after all that, you can actually see how tired everyone was. Not from work but from all the fun. It is the first time I had seen people sleep in the office not because of the tiring work but of the tiring fun they had over the course of the two days.

Everyone was focused on the event and had somehow left behind work which was good, there weren't any life threatening events that could have ruin such fun event for IT.

What could be more fun than enjoying a little time off with your colleagues once a year? Truth be told, a lot of us wish that it could happen again.

I had no other things in mind but to inform myself that my wife has left her old office. After 5 years of the ugly in-office politics and crab mentality of most of the management there, I am proud to here my wife has left and  in just a span of 3 days, has a new job. But the bad part, I have to wake 3:30 in the morning between Mondays to Wednesday and take her to work as the streets are home are not that safe for her. About 8 years ago, I think, she had been mugged and the bastard hit my wife on the face. Well, due justice was given later that month, Caviteno Justice as I would say. Right now, I am focused on making sure she gets to work safe.

What else? Hmm...

Oh, about the last blog. She responded. It's in the comments. And I am happy that it is now a closed chapter in my life. I had made my peace with her and I am happy for her. And so is she for me. We had accepted that things could never be and that one single day, things may turn to a better life for both us. Thou I wish I could see her one last time to thank her but I guess, it's best we don't see eye to eye.

I close this blog with one thing in mind: Sleep. I need lots of it!

Have fun!

The last moment I want to see from her is her sweetest smile...

It's been a while has it...

I'm not even sure if you will be reading this but I want to take this chance to close something in here, inside of me.


It's been years since we last talk. Since we last met. I am  not sure how I will react as I think of the words to tell you. I know things are different now and I don't want to change anything in my life as you have as well. We have different lives, better even if I can say for you. You're in a great place, far from all of the troubles that may come. And I am so happy for you.

As I write this letter, I want to close a part of my life and finally say, "It's over."

I recall that day when you said, there's nothing more. I did not cry, I don't know why I didn't but I felt nothing then. I knew it would come eventually but when someone told me, you did not look happy at that time, and when you hoped we could have fixed the thing between us, I suddenly felt my heart break. And for that long period of time, I finally cried. It took so long to feel the pain and yet why has it took this long. I seldom recall the part of walking the entire road alone, thinking it was over just like that.

What was the reason? I asked myself. Did I do something wrong? Did I take long? Was I not a better person?

I always think of those questions even now. And I told myself, I was not a better person for you. I was a nobody even then and even now. I had nothing to give. I'm so sorry if I was a nobody. Until now I am trying to cope with my own failures and strive to give my family a better future even if it costs me.

Funny thing came into my mind right now, I used to recall how we would send emails to each other just to simplify the love letters we send to each other. It's a funny memory worth keeping and yet I had to let go.

I loved you... all is in the past.

For me, I have to let go. It's as painful as yesterday but I know you would tell me the same thing. The long painful wait has to end. I wish you all the best. That's all I can say and somehow, if we do meet again, all I want to see is that sweet smile... Thank you.

The Long Road ahead...
song: Beautiful World - Utada Hikaru

 It's like a year since I decided to write something on my blog. Something came out of nowhere and so far its biting my conscience like a headache.

Recently or better yet right now I face a great moral dilemma, Do I stay or do I go? What do I mean... Simple. To set the story straight let me go back to a few days ago:

It felt that I've reached the ceiling of my career and that nothing is happening recently. I was waiting always for work to come at me, challenge me, test me. Nothing came, if there were, it'd be done by the end of the day. So what next? Brian would throw me some old items that need to be updated. Yes there was delay on my end due to the fact that I need to keep this delay so I have something to work on. Honestly, I don't like that. I want to impress my boss by submitting the work done in like in a day or from the moment he requested it but again that would leave me with an empty plate. You see, how I work, I work fast and I get to be bored easily once there is nothing to do. And going back to the top story is that, I felt I've reached the ceiling of my work and thought this was a dead end job. So I decided to apply to another office on my own. I sent a couple of resumes to some friends and known bosses that I've work before.

A week after, one of the people I sent my resume called me and told me I am up for an interview! Of course why not I said. It's a new challenge and exciting. We were actually celebrating my mother-in-law's death anniversary that day and somehow kind of symbolic as I asked for something good to happen that day. So I took the interview and never expected that my previous manager from my current job would be the one to interview and that the person who I sent my resume too was the head honcho of that department. Kind of like, "ok what a coincedence."

We got to the part of the job offer. Here's the part that got me thinking. Because no one would ever ask how much you want but they did. I was asked what I make in a month. I told them the truth, my base pay is this x amount. So the head honcho said, he can only give me this but he can guarantee me 10% to a max 30% increase. Why not? that's big and if I do the math I may have reached a +200% of my base pay. So that was like Monday... late that afternoon, their HR called me asked me, if I can come visit tomorrow... for what I asked? Job Offer. In like a span of 12hrs I got a job offer with a better pay.

So I went. The benefits where like... "ok..." but the one that caught my attention, something no one had offered, a housing loan upon getting one year. I NEEDED THAT BADLY. So bad that I forgot I made a promise to my current boss slash director that I would tell them if I were to get an offer. The deal was sweet that I didn't had second thoughts of signing and so I did. I had to render 30 days thou so I told. So they gave me.

Now the terrible part came. I had to give my resignation letter the next day. My immediate boss, connie, was not expecting it. I handed her my resignation letter. I hated myself for doing it. but I had signed. It was an iron clad contract or so I thought but that would be later. We talked. We talked a lot about it. Until she told me I had to tell Ferdy when he gets back, the IT Director, my next-level boss. It was the long holidays. I was told then to think about it. I asked every person I knew and they all told me the same thing except for 3 people. They all told me to move except for my old man, and 2 employees working on the same office.

My dad has a habit of reminding me, "You've never rooted yourself in company. You've never grown further into the company." I never did. I recall having a conversation with Connie about that as that was the trend before. Loyalty over financial as it was not an issue but for me now. It was financial. So when the day came when I had a 1 on 1 with Ferdy, I honestly stated, "it was a strict financial move." Apart from the "Job Ceiling" feeling, I've been feeling lately.

To make my conscience more guilty, 2 of my foreign based directors, heard of my resignation. They fought their were way to get to what I was needing. They even got the Vice President and CIO to agree with the request. Talk about wanting to keep me. I was touched. GREATLY! Never had I any experience on such a level that even your boss remotely away from you, did anything they could to keep you. That was trust. they had trust on my abilities and know how I work. they believe me. and I can never ever replace that.

But to cut the story short as I am so so so beaten by this is that, my 2 bosses did what they can but a gigantic wall was in front and nothing can be done. It's sad. I want to stay but seeing my 2 kids go into school, I want what's best for them. And my wife planning to leave... no. No one leaves. I want to get that house so I can make my family whole.

So tonight I made the most painful decision ever. I came to a conclusion I had to leave. It was for my family. I was asked if I were to take the leap of faith and put my trust in them as they have. I have trust in them but the need was urgent. all I can say was, "I'm sorry. But thank you for everything."

Why "Beautiful World"? It is a beautiful world as you can never find people like my 2 remote bosses. and of course my immediate manager who never fail to remind me that I will never find someone like them. Well I hope the other office can be like that but unique individuals will be unique. Now I just have to live up to their expectation. The world is always full of great people. You just have to trust them...

Well good night and thanks for listening.

Towards a gaming future!
-Song: Yume de Aru Youni - DEEN

"The journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step... and here I go!"

I promised myself I'd do something this year that would somehow make an impression on myself and with the people around. Important people around me.

This has been a very long 10-year project which never ever saw the light so as my promise that I will accomplish something this year other than my priorities I'm opening an old story that had been part of my life. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you the story of "Us Three...".

The story behind this. It was an old project that me and RJ and some guy I can no longer recall that we would make a game. Seriously I would admit I suck at graphics which is why "some guy" covered. While RJ came up with the story with a few of our suggestions but most of the scenarios that plot was his and so is the title, "Us Three..."

"What's "US THREE?" Good question to myself. It's a story of three friends. First of all, a buffed up muscle brained, no sense of direction adventurer that carries a talking sword. Kurow embodied by RJ loves this character that we had too much fun with this hero than the others. Our loving mage, Enlil, whose the complete silent type but is very capable. Weird thing about him is that other than his silence, he can almost pull out everything under his sleeves, he wears a hood by the way so we always ask how he does that. Which embodies "some guy" whose resourcefulness sometimes scares us. Then there's the bad luck run out of the mill thief, Fallacy, and of course embodied by yours truly. Fallacy is almost a good of a thief but he has the worst bad luck. Due to one of his thieving antics, he happened to be cursed that every time his hair got pulled, he turns to a rabid werewolf that likes to bite on Kurow.

Now, most RPG's had 4 characters, we were at a point of adding a 4th member. At first we thought a female since we have no healer we thought about it. But hey Enlil's a mage. Then we thought of having Mango Man: Embodied by Charles. We have no idea how his character got there but I am thinking its there.

So now comes the hard part. I need to dig up old programming books about this. And A GREAT BIG PUSH to get this up to demo. Another issue is that, for some reasons, "Some guy" and me are not in good terms. So I am scratching his character and bringing in Josh... or whatever the character he wants to name it. He becomes the mage. and apparently I plan to make it the same character but I need something different about this one. Anyhow, to finalize stuff, I'm building the game I promised myself. Something I accomplished. I don't care about the graphics or how the story will be or how the sounds will be, this is my game. If people along the way wanted to help, I'd accept it open arms but to me, I want to finish just this one game as an accomplishment and as a promise to myself. Lastly, I'll be posting often and plan to build a new blogsite for this. Hope all goes well.

Day 4: Downer's Grove, Illinois: A Calming Smile after the storm...

Song: Hanamuke no Melody
Sung By: Jyukai
From Ah! My Goddess: Tatakau Tsubasa

It's been a awhile since I posted a picture of myself on the internet. But I stopped in the middle. I don't need an image of me on the internet again. One is enough. My day ended with a storm but somehow as I looked outside the window, the sun is back up even though it is like 8:00 PM here. The storm has passed and somehow, it's a good sign that I'll be able to get home this saturday with no worries. I'm just roughly tired from all the running around and trips here and there. I finally can get a much needed rest next week but only for 3 days. I was hoping a week but my duty beckons. I cannot let the people who trusted me with the job down. Moving forward. I hope all goes well. I also learned a lot from the people I am training with about life. I honestly could say, life is full of surprises.

I was thinking of what to talk about but I guess the picture says it all. I still miss my daughter. Oh by the way, funny thing I read today. My wife is joining a marathon. Ok... not that I foresee things going wrong but I'll give her the benefit that she is trying the least. But still she is doing something I'm not used to seeing. That is if she does. We'll see. Regardless, she joins or not, I'll be cheering for her.

The clouds outside had finally calmed and so is my night. I think, I'll call it a night. Well, here's the song I'm listening again. I hope people like it.

Earrings swaying in the orange setting sun and evening breeze,
Your eyes were cast down on the bench,
If you put out your cigarette, it’s “farewell”.

Because our last memories were all happy smiles
I won’t cry anymore

We who have been torn apart, some day in the future
Lets bloom a lovely, big flower
Goodbye, goodbye, with my trembling lips
I’ll send you a farewell kiss…softly

The veranda which the swallow left from, there are two sandals huddled together
Hey, our memories were scattered even to a place like this
Such dearly loved days

Just like this sky I looked up at,
Where are those things which never change?

At the yet unseen road that is made misty with my tears
The me who have been standing there, I wonder if I can become strong
Despite that, despite that, a new sun will rise, tomorrow will come
Even I…will surely too

To have things lost, and to gain something
“On that day when you pretended to be calm and waved at me”
I don’t regret it one bit

We who have been torn apart, some day in the future
Lets bloom a lovely, big flower
To have such days, to have such days where I loved someone so much,
Giving me a farewell gift… Yes, please believe me

~~~ Good Night!

Day 3 - Missing my summer...
Downers Grove, Illinois

Song: Bokura no Natsu no Yume
Sung By: Tatsuro Yamashita
From the movie "Summer Wars"

As I started my day, I stopped and thought for a second, "How did I spend my summer?"

Did I enjoy the summer? I left the country at the very moment summer was at its peak. I was hoping that on the coming summer, I would have gone out with my daughter. But my work had come first before all of my plans. And yet somehow, how I wished I could have stayed longer. Somehow, the long days here away from my family made me miss the time I spend with them. I recalled then that whenever I was home, I didn't pay much attention to them and that somehow I neglected my time with them. I didn't realize that when I finally left their side, I felt how important they are to me. How important my family was to me. I didn't have a good picture of my family. My son, my daughter and my wife. I never had a family picture. My goal then is that when I get home, to make sure to get a family picture that would make an impression in my life. As the day went by today, I had to walk for like 30 minutes back and forth from hotel to Toy r Us to buy 2 things:

1. A Toy for my daughter: Barbi or something

2. Something else

I ended up not being able to buy anything for myself but I bought a pair of rubber shoes for my daughter. I just hope my son doesn't think that I am forgetting about him. Thou most of my luggage are for my daughter, I never forget to buy one for my son. It's finally dark I noticed as I looked outside the window. I have 3 more days to spend here but to make it all count, it's 4 days more. I couldn't answer one question lingering in my head right now... "Am I a good father?" I couldn't think of the answer. My daughter couldn't tell me. Nor can I ask my son? Am I indeed a good father? I wanted to ask myself that question and find answers but the answeres do not lie in me. They lie on the people around me. I often think, I have not spent any time much with them. Either I had something else to do or I was busy with the work I do. And yet, I wanted to make up with all the time I had lost with them. Was there ever a reason for me to neglect them? I think not. I was irresponsible and somehow, I find an answer that I am not a good father. I want to say that when I get home I'd commit myself to being a good father but then, I couldn't make the resolution nor the actual commitment cause I will know I will fail. It hurts to think that one day, my children will tell me, I was never a good father. I want to be a good father but I know there will still be faults and times I will even fail. But the feeling of being there for them is now in me. I want to see them grow. I want to see them smiling and knowing someone other than their mother, their father will be there for them. Even if there are reasons that would make it hard for one to accept the truth (I know my wife knows this), I will try to be a good father for both of them. They are the reason I continue to live.

I wanted to take the time then to thank my dad. My own dad, for telling me, its not easy being a Dad. I know this a late father's day memo on my end, but this is the only time, being a father struck me. Thanks Dad. You've been a great inspiration in my life and I will always treasure having you as my father.

Well I've said so much. I hope things go well soon when I get home. I miss home and my family. I will be home soon. And surely, I'll get that family picture up on the wall! Later.

By the way... just something for thought:
Our summer is over there,
On the other side of that hill.
Unchanging things,
Beautiful things -
All of them are there.

The sunflowers chase after
The sun’s position.
So intently that we can’t hear
Even the sound of the wind,
We gaze at each other.

Take your heart and add it to mine.
Fill it with drops of light.
If we firmly link our hands together,
A little miracle will be born.

I want you to believe me.
I can see into the future
When I look into your eyes
And see the blue of the sky
Reflected there.

Zero planes fly through the sky
From a faraway era.
That the two of us
Could meet each other here
Must have been fated to be.

Let’s go and follow
The thousands of memories of love.
I will protect you forever.
Our history begins here.

Oh, I wonder,
In which direction
Will fate go
From here?

Painted in the clouds
Is a white promise.
Never forget.

Take your heart and add it to mine.
We’re seeing a summer dream.
If we firmly link our hands together,
A little miracle will be born.
Our miracle will be born.
A miracle of midsummer will…

(Mother of Summer)
(We are together …)

Day 2: Boring Monday

Just plain bored.

Well the training is no boring class. I am learning but after class its just plain boring. Just finish watching family guy but there's nothing good afterwards. I just miss my family.

Nothing else then. That's it.

But again, the long long wait of seeing my family is still there. I want to go home but i have to endure. I do hope something exciting happens at the end of this trip other tha just getting home. Well, nothing happened much but just another day ends.

Day 1 - Downers Grove, Il - BMC Training on its way.
Song: first love (piano)

So where were we? Finally left St. Paul and now heading to Illinois. The trip was supposed to be 2 hours but lets see. I happen to talk to this guy who told me he went to the philippines and proposed to a filipina for marriage, and i think they are getting married as we speak. Its not that i pity the guy but still marriage with a filipina may get him more than he bargained for. I do pray for his soul. Anyhow i am using the companies provided item to get his blog into my account later. Probably when i get to the hotel i will. Other than that, i really need to go to the bathroom. I am itching to go and the seatbelt sign is still on! 1 more weeknand jthen i'll be meeting my family soon. Also hopinh that is flight is the flight home but i got one more week to spend here in the US. Lets see what adventure i get myself into when i get to illinois. To be continues...

So here are i am in downers grove. Yup, steve and scott are right, boring as hell. Anyhow, i was expecting good room service but no. I got a hell of the time trying to get my things up to the 7th floor. Finally got to my room. Its small. I feel like denied the truth that they say this is good place. Hell next door is my living room and study in one. But i can't complain. I'm here so make most of it.

Somehow, as i quietly lie down in bed and look outside, i somehow miss my wife. It is hard for me to be away from my family. I miss them each night that i had been away with them and that how i wish they are here with me now. My daughter who always calls me and brightens my day even with the stressing work i do. I am longing at the moment. I need to endure my wife always says. It is a sacrifice i need to do for my family. And i am enduring. I couldn't sleep as i got to thinking what they are doing now. My wife is at work, my daughter playing. My son getting to school. I know, they miss me too. But i miss them more. I'll be home soon that's what i know.

And so is father's day today here yet, i am spending it alone. It breaks my heart that i am alone, here in this hotel room, with the bright sky outside, longing for my family. I know, i'll be home soon. I promise i will come home soon...

Day 18 - A Rainy Day in St. Paul...

Song: Rainbow
Sung By: Round Table feat. Niño

I got into thinking, am I a nice person? I think I posted this on my last blog I just forgot when. But again, I ask myself, have I been a nice person. The entire day, it was raining here in St. Paul, well til like 5:00 PM then the sun decided to shine. Things looked a bit ok. But earlier, as I sat with Steve Snyder, my counter part here in the US, we've been talking about being happy. I would honestly say I am happy with my life right now and thou the progress is slow, I know He who seats in the highest place in heaven would never put me into harm or if there is challenge in my life, I'm sure He'll be there to support me.

A lot things had gone around my life. My first love, first kiss, first break up, my marriage, the lost of my 2nd son, the birth of my beautiful daughter and my first away from them. When I think about those things, the time I had spent my life had been very much filled with emotion. Every part had a turning point. Life as we see it has its ups and downs. I wanted to see a better tomorrow but its up to me to get to that day. So I guess, I'll call it a night now. Life is kinda ok for me.

Before I do forget, I'd like to thank my sister for today's song. Somehow it is indeed inspiring and relaxing. Good Night!

Day 16 - THE POOL!!!

Song: Stay Beautiful Sung by: Diggy-Mo


Oh!

As I type this blog, I'm in my happy zone! Dream Dream! Scream Scream! Heart Heart! Well anyhow, let me get to today's story.
On the image on the side is the place were I enjoyed my summer. Well, not with my family but I think with my extended family. It was a well worth it trip and had lots and lots of fun.

My first outdoor trip in Minnesota, welcome to Bunker Beach! The place had 4 features. The picture above is the Wave Pool. I'll get back to that in a bit. Next is the Kid's pool. Another story... Then they have the slide pool:


Somehow on the first flight I was scared. Hey! I'm not fond with heights. So my first slide, belly flop! But on the next it was fun. Next was the lazy river. You do nothing, you just lie down on a provided floatation device and like waddle on the water. It was the relaxing part of the pool.

Now going back, the WAVE POOL. Imagine a pool with a built in Wave Creating Machine. I'm tired actually just trying to type this blog but I had to type it anyway. So like I'd go up to the 5 ft, then the wave would like pass by. I had to jump or else the wave will take me all the way back to the 3ft. But each time I would jump, I would like feel that the ground was missing below me like I was on a 7 ft deep pool. It was a fun tiring experience.

The Kiddie Pool. This is the sad part of the trip. Seeing the little kids jumping onto the pool made me want to have my daughter enjoy the same trip. How I miss them now. Well that's my Day 16 here in St. Paul, MN.

Now on to serious stuff. The guy that offered us to go with his family, Kuya Louie was a very friend person. Eventhough we were complete strangers, he still offered us to come with him. We found out a few stories in his life that made me realize one thing: I never want to have a broken family. Louie had a daughter, an 8 year old bright and beautiful daughter, Lala. She was a very active and fun girl. I was curious then and asked the small girl, if she'd choose who to stay with, she honestly answered: "I can't decide. I love them both." I am touched. To see a young girl, amidst her current situation understands how important her parents are to her. In my life with my wife and kids, I never want any of them to experience that situation. As much, i try to make sure me and my wife have a good working family relationship. I love my wife and my family and that how I wish things will better for us once we get our house built. The good news is that, as I heard from my wife, we're good to go, we just need to go to the housing authority and the electric company, we should be ready soon. So by the time I get home, the house is now getting built.

I leave with one song:

What should I do?
Why do you rush after your dreams?
Oh!

But if I wanna stay like this
I gotta go slap my leather jacket on

I oughtta go in style
I'm going to shining Venus city
Forgive me but even if I'm stupid
The way I am now
Oh!

I'm gonna stay like this forever
Let me go knowin' now the pressure is on
There's feelings I can't describe

Hey all you stars up there
That heart of yours
Is all the world has
Never forget it
Oh oh oh oh!

Dream Dream!
Get ahead of the real world

Scream Scream!
Cry out in a passionate voice

Heart Heart!
I'm shy around your smile
Stay Beautiful!
Oh oh oh oh!

Kick Kick!
I can face the cruel world

Beat Beat!
Clanging with emotion

Heart Heart!
Must be so strong, so

Tough Tough Tough
Stay Beautiful!
Oh oh oh oh!

Scream Scream!
Oh oh oh oh!

Heart Heart!
Oh oh oh oh!

DREAM DREAM!!! Dream on!

Day 15: A long-short weekend

Song: Unlimited Sky Sung by: Tommy Heavenly6

Well I am still dredging at the fact that I might go home alone and no one would come pick me up. So I've made up my mind not to tell when I'll be home. I might accept the one week extension just to cool my head for awhile. Other than that, it's a Saturday. So it's laundry day for me. Lots of clothing to clean. Well I got a washing machine and dryer. Should be good enough but I need to iron my clothes afterwards. On the other end, Kuya Louie is asking me if I want to go swimming. I say "YES!". I miss the water. I want to go out and swim for awhile and get out of this room. Other than that, I asked a few of my officemates, so Grace said yes but dunno about the others. I might ask again later.

So far, I'm done with my laundry. Just need to dry the last set of clothes then I offered to go out. Mel and Uri wants to go to Mall of America, while I want to go to Maplewood. But I don't know. I want to go to both places to finally finish my shopping. Well, it's just the afternoon. A lot things can happen. So we'll find out on the way. Ok, lunch is ready. Gonna eat for awhile then bathe then start calling people. Later...

So it ended like this, we went out to Mall of America today. And tomorrow, we might go swimming if it doesn't rain.

I've been thinking lately of how alone I am and how I wished when I get home, someone will be there to meet me.

For some reason I got logged out in my blog. But anyhow, nothing much happened today. Mall, walked around, stayed, ate ice cream, that's about it. well, here's the song running in my head:

Trampling on the remains of a left-behind dream
The whimsical death god stopped and stood

Passing by, it watches me coldly
As if to instigate a foolish sin
It shook and untangled its outstretched hands

Devastating sadness
Overshadows my heart and
Is cruelly repeated over and over

We came to hate even those precious days we can’t return to
What can we do?
We didn’t understand the meaning
Of the glory we carried

The sensations that should have been cast away are resurrected
While clad in serenity
We accelerate and hide our irritations
Things like emotions are useless
But our hearts can’t catch up

The fallen angel swooped down on
The scenario of rebellion
Why are you outside the light?
I realized
If I hadn’t been born as I am,
Would I have been ridiculed?
Within in a selfless love
We don’t know things like solitude

I gazed into the distant sky
That reflected my nostalgia
But no matter how much I wish
I can’t be touched by eternity

I lost to my own darkness

Everyone who can stand is fighting
And carries unfading scars

Devastating sadness
Overshadows my heart and
Is cruelly repeated over and over

The stolen, fleeting light
Connects to the living proof
No matter the fate
I’ll accept it,
And live until the last moment


What's with this song? Well I'm kind of alone right now so I have to live with it for now.

Day 14: Going home alone...

Silent...

Everything was going well today. Projects completed, requests completed. I mean everything was going well. But when the wife called and talked to her. A few laughs and a few jokes. But when we got to the part of me wanting to see her home the whole day when I get home, it went sour.

All I hoped was then when I get home, I'd spend the entire day with my family. We also talked about it that I want to go home to my parents as the environment from her place is not something I liked. I feel irritated with the next door neighbors and I don't like their fake nice attitudes. It makes me more sick of thinking of going home there. Yes they're nice, only if you have. But when the time of need comes, they're gone faster than a blink of an eye.

it's been 2 weeks since I am here and surely any husband will long for his wife. But my wife had other plans which I don't want to impose. She told me she found a new place to work. I said go ahead. Don't let me stop her. Just go! But with that, it would mean she would go to a whole new training and may not have time to spend with me and my daughter when I get home. I just want her home the entire day. And if she can't, what can I do. Work comes first as we needed the financial aid as much as we can.

On the other end, I want to spend time with my parents and sister when I get home. So I think, I'd rather go home to my parents than go home. I just feel hurt knowing no one will come pick me. Yeah, who'll pick you up at 1 AM in the morning on a Monday. No one...

I'm tired. I'm going to bed...