Sometimes, the best smile hides the worst sadness one carries

" You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."
                                                                                                 - Sir Robin Williams

Read the news today. It's kinda sad to hear that one with great humor was hiding an even greater sadness. That was the irony of things. You think that the man who had made many people laugh, made a lot of people smile, giggle and even burst into a flurry of laughs, was apparently carrying depression deeper than any of the people he had given hope and smile. As I sat down here, thinking, would one day I become one as well?

Sometimes (not everyone), we all have our own moments that we sit down and all of a sudden cry.

There was even a time that one of his best quotes made me think twice about my marriage. It made me think that I could be a better person. I would be lying if I didn't think of it before. Yet for my only daughter, it made me think twice why I have to keep my family safe. Even with this sadness that I carry.

Depression creeps on us like a cancer that if we do not treat it early, it would one day consume us and then the next thing you know, you could be meeting your Creator. I had my moments when I suddenly cry. I never told my wife about it as I never want to add more reason for her to worry. I never show my depression or my sadness to my wife. Thou it is my duty as a father, a husband to share to my wife how I feel sometimes. But even the greatest medicine could not cure depression especially when one reaches the tipping point of his or her life.

I would normally play video games to remove my worries and depression but after the games are done, it all comes back. I'm suffering badly from insomnia this past few months and that it is becoming worst and worst. It's not the games the keeps me up but the worry of tomorrow. How can I make my family get through this? Where will we get the resources for tomorrow or this week or next month? My wife had bigger plans and I know I'm ruining it for her.

There are even times I wish I was a better person, a better father/dad, a better brother or even a son. I've seen the worst of myself and I really wish I could make it up to them. I try not to tie myself down with all the worries I have and like I said, I have an outlet to keep my mind off at my worries.

Deep inside, I know, I can cure this depression of mine by changing how I look at things or how I carry myself and I also believe that it doesn't need for me to be alone to resolve this. I'm sharing this blog and dedicating this to both the great actor who had left us and to those still who think that depression would always be there. I believe that finding an outlet would be a good and that it would relieve you of your stress and depression. Sometimes, letting someone share your pain, would be good. I think I might do that tonight and tell her how I feel and maybe I could finally find a way to sleep better.

Like what the quote says above, we have one time to enjoy life, let us enjoy it to the fullest. I may not be giving the best advise but again, it's wrong to waste your life carrying that sadness forever. There's always a better tomorrow, not now, but some day.

Ah also, before I forget, to the person that one time, send a comment on my blog. Thanks for reading.

Again my thanks for taking time to read.

Asking for a chance in life...

As sad as the moment is, I cannot help but also began to worry now that I've learned more about the issue.

Earlier today, my wife told me that "Kuya" (older brother), his youngest daughter was diagnosed with Kawasaki Disease. At first, I thought it was one of her officemates that she calls "Kuya". I decided to pay little attention to it the entire day. But upon arriving home, I noticed my wife, all gloomy and bothered by the ill news. I decided to comfort her and tell her that, she should not worry as she had done what she could for her friend.

Apparently, I was mistaken... "Kuya" she referred too was her own older brother, the eldest of them, Job.

The news surprised me even more. LJ, my niece was only 1 yr old to be diagnosed with such a disease. And what's worst, 10 days after being treated, hospitalized and monitored by the same hospital, they were only told that the disease has started to get complicated and was recently diagnosed as Kawasaki Disease. What all parents feared the most had come. My wife told me that she had called relatives for help and that the medicine that could help ease out the pain cost Php 72,000.00 for 9 bottles. What's worst also is that, if the initial 9 bottles did not solve the initial treatment, another set would be needed and another until she recovers.

My brother-in-law is not that rich to begin with. His family lives with his in-laws from his wife side of the family. He has a call center job that somehow, he decided to stay longer and never tries to find something better with hopes that his peers would help him get promoted sooner later on. His wife has no job as they had no one to care for 2 of their children. Thou they live his father-in-law, they still need someone to care for their young ones.

As I sat here and tell this tale, all that run in my head is, "what else can I do?"

I live now in a philosophy that dictates one rule, "If it has to happen, it is bound to happen." Ironic on my part when I told my wife, only HE can make miracles happen for my Brother-in-law. She told me she had prayed a lot and hope the worst passes soon and that LJ makes a miraculous recovery. As a father, seeing if I were in Job's feet, I would be in despair as well. I have 2 kids as I mentioned and one of them is my youngest girl, Belledandy. She had been the glow of my small family which reminds me of why I need to keep my family together. I feel helpless on the fact that both me and wife are also scarce at the moment as school is near with my kids needing also. I've already asked my office's doctor but apparently there is nothing we can do. I turn to tell this tale in hope that someone would listen and aid, not me, but my niece.

At this point, my mind is becoming disarrayed as the worry of losing my niece has a high probability seeing what stage her illness is. I kindly ask for your prayers if you read this that my little niece, LJ, makes a recovery and that she stays with us. Please keep her safe...

Storms, politics, religions and other whatnots...

I'm the least person you'd expect that would comment on what has happened to my country...

This post is not intended for those with "OA" patriotism for the country or is intended to hurt, label, anger the public. It is my thoughts and thoughts alone. I'm just venting out. If you have anything against my blog, go find something else to read.

It's been a week since the super typhoon "Yolanda" visited my country. Pictures, news and reports of how the typhoon destroyed the land, its people and changed the lives of many are everywhere. Furthermore, some of the news are so bad that it pains me that all I can do is give what I can give, cash and a few of my old personal belongings (clothes actually). But a greater worry comes in mind:

"Where is the cash donation of the other countries that were reported?"

I have not heard of news of how this monetary donation have been used or spent. Or was it even used properly? Apparently thanks to the storm, a larger, nation-wide issue had been set-aside and the people that should be grilled are having a party of their own. We've forgotten that we, hard working employees of both private and public offices are rob of our taxes. The funny part thou is that, its only when someone finally squealed, it is the only time we actually realize it. If my memory serves me right, from the reign of the first Aquino up to the current Aquino, we've been rob by those we elected as public officials. My boss often reminds me, "Why complain now? We've been robbed since and yet why are we just complaining now?"

True. Why just now? I can't say anything. I am but one person and if I were to complain, would the government even listen. The justice system in this country is screwed. And what scares me now is that the monetary donations given by good countries may also end up in the pockets of those officials we oh-so believe are working for the people. I have so many things to rant about our government, of how f**ked up it is. I even believe right now that those that should be jailed and convicted will escape happily. Another failure to place on the history of the Filipinos. Again, if we go and review the history of the philippines, there are a lot of questions about the government. And again I would point out that it doesn't happen only in the Philippines. There are other countries that had worst. But it pains me that it will be recorded against us once again.

Yes I know, Filipinos have their greatness but not why is outside of their own country. Have you not noticed that Filipinos are becoming well known, not inside their country but outside? CNN said something nice about filipinos (go google it). Other countries welcome Filipinos open arms because of the tenacity and hard working attitude and are loved by other nationalities because of their welcoming attitude.

Arguably, I don't know where this country is going to. You have Crab Mentality at its finest. Truth be told, we are the people who had shown this negative attitude far more than any other countries. You have corruption far worst than anything else. You have power hungry and abusive politicians running and winning amidst their ugly track record. Take note, you even have someone with less brains (experimented candidate) seated on one of the most influential seats in the government. I curse the day that person won. Why!?!

Even religion is an issue. I'm happy thou that someone from "one" particular religion stated that the allegations about a certain person who condemn another religion will be prosecuted by their religious leaders. Happy to hear that. I'm happy that they, themselves, are thought to be humble. Which should be the attitude of every man.

I'm just ranting at the moment and with things are, I'm more worried for my fellow countrymen. Left and right, you'd see facebook post ranting of how the government is handling the situation. And after this, the original issue will be forgotten. Their goes our justice system... I do hope they don't forget the "other" matter at hand.

Well I will close this entry with a few more words:
1. I pray the people in those highly affected countries survive and receive the aid they so needed
2. Wake up Filipino Government! Where is your remaining humanity?
3. Drop differences in religion for a moment and instead be human. Do the humane thing...

Thanks for reading...

The Story of Us...

 I'm not sure where to start but let's begin with how the day started for me.

Woke up early this morning and somehow I already feel like today might be different. Well not that special that is. Before going to work I did something that someone was expecting me to do eventually... I posted a picture on my facebook account relating to my marriage, my wedding picture with my wife. I was thin back then so can't argue with that. As of the time I am typing this, I believe I have at least 45 likes from friends of mine and hers. 

Anyhow, going to the topic, I am trying to recall the story behind of how we met and we got married and all. It's like one of those sitcoms, "how i met your mother?" but with only less women in the story involved... or so I speak (winks).

It may have all started around 2001. My parents have been pestering me to get a job as I am a freeloader at that moment. So having the access to the internet I decided to apply online on some jobs available and posted over the net. I applied to an agency (JobsDB) and landed my job as Team Lead for a call center. Big Break for me as I was expecting to get an agent level job.My parents were excited as well and somehow finally I can help with the house expenses. A month long training on "correct english accent" and another month on product training, we were on our way to a professional career. I have to admit my position as a team lead didn't go as what I wanted as it was my first job and I am not that of a people person by then. A few months on the job and somehow I was leaning to this girl who happens to be one of my agents. After a short scuffle with the guy whose also after him, I decided not to fall in love for awhile.

That got cut short when an old flame decided to get in touch with me. I was then now confident seeing I have a job to back me up with my goal of being with her once again but somehow our communication got cut off again. Another month passed, a new batch of agents arrive (i'm such a bad employee and hitting on agents that are below me). Moving forward, I started hitting on this petite girl. She was nice. Cute in her own way. But a little moody at times. She was the first person who helped me buy a cellphone, my very first cellphone. We were hitting it off good but somewhere along the road, I got shutdown. I was expecting it, knowing what she told me about her past. While I was actually hitting at her, there was this obnoxious, irritating tomboy of a girl who would often interfere every time I would visit this girl I was hitting on. Apparently this tomboy was to be my wife. We were the worst of enemies. We would argue, bicker and like grab each other to the throat. Everyone wanted to hand us anything sharp as to end our petty arguments.

I was then informed by one of my agents that this "woman", quote on quote, I now call her "woman", has a past that got me intrigue. She was a single parent. Ok? Single parent... so what does it have to do with me? I'm not sure then or what happened but along the long and lonely road, I ended up visiting her place and meeting her parents. I do recall we talked and started mellowing to each other. But me visiting her place... something I am not. Ok, I'm old school. I court the parents before her... and before you know it... 12 years had passed. She is now my wife.

Can't argue with that.

We've had our ups and downs. Arguments, fights and almost broke up a couple of times but whenever I think of the reason why I married her, I always go back to her. I won't tell what it is. There's actually more to the 12 years that had passed and more stories to tell but I'll put that on another time. Again, thanks for listening. 

Remembering a few important things...

I'm at work right now and waiting for the next big thing to happen. As I checked a few items in my personal email, I decided to explore a bit further regarding google's additional features. And there I bumped to an important person's blog. She mentioned:

when i was still younger there is someone who is really special to me gave me a copy of this song recorded in a cassette tape.

I recalled that song and unexpectedly started humming to the tune. It was an old game song, way way back college years. A song, I hope would always be a reminder why I always looked at her that way. But fate had something different planned and what the future we hoped for didn't come true.

Turns out sooner or later, we had different lives. I got married first, then she got married. Further into the future, she left the country while I stayed humbly with my work. I now have a big family and hoping each day becomes better and always happy for us. There's ups and downs but who can complain, that's life.

I would be lying if I say I am contented but I am not. My family has needs that I need to fulfill before I can say I am content. I need to be a good provider and be able to ensure my family will always have something. On the other end, emotionally, I am. I happily in love and loved by my family.

But enough about that, back to the song and to the person. One thing I am doing right now, when I have a free time is I am finishing the last, and hopefully the last story of the fiction story I wrote years ago I shared with her. It would be the closing story between us. It would depict the current lives we live but with a twist. Hopefully it gets done soon.

As for the song, I have a song that reminds me of my wife. A song I shared to her as well that reminds me that our love would remain even through the longest length of time. So I leave everyone with the song of me and my wife. Something that was played during our wedding...

    Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark
    For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
    To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
    Melodies of life--love's lost refrain
     
    Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why
    We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye
    And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
    Let them ring out loud till they unfold
    In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
    Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name
     
   * A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
     Adding up the layers of harmony
     And so it goes, on and on
     Melodies of life,
     To the sky beyond the flying birds--forever and beyond
     
    So far and away, see the bird as it flies by
    Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky
    I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings
    Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings
     
    In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?
    Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?
     
   * Repeat
     
    If I should leave this lonely world behind
    Your voice will still remember our melody
    Now I know we'll carry on
    Melodies of life
    Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts
    As long as we remember

My thanks for reading.

The boy who dreams to be a hero... did become a "Hero"...

so I did manage to become a hero... Just for one day thou.

I finally did it. I was able to fulfill another dream. But later about the dream, let me tell you how it was today for me and for my son. It was just the two of us who went to the Toycon. Well, a few friends did go with us. As soon as we arrived, there wasn't much people. Not much in costumes. By 11 AM then people start to crowd. It was time to transform... So I wore the suit. And the moment I came out of the dressing room, people start asking for pictures. A few kids here and there were afraid of me but a few also stood up and took pictures with me. It was a really fun experience. Parents, who were at my age, knew who I was and they would call my character to get a picture. It was a fun experience.

But what really made me happy was during the middle of the day, you could hear people saying, "That guy was my idol, he was my hero." I am happy for playing this character as somehow, it made me wish i was indeed the hero people look up too. I wanted to be hero. I really felt tired after all this, but seeing people smiling, posing beside me, having their picture taken, it was more than I can ask for. I am glad that I was able to make them smile today and make them recall their childhood which most of us tend to forgot nowadays. 

I was at my highest happiness today. I think nothing can top this for now. 

Back to the dream... as to sum it up, it's not too late to do what you want to do as a child. It will fill that gap that you have. I want to impart to all those that regardless of age, as long as their as time, as long as their is will, you can always achieve your childhood dream. It is never too late.

I am happy to be a hero. And I will always try to be a hero to my family and friends. They are the ones that give me strength. And again... thank you too for reading!

As time goes, so does my time...

I don't want to grow old and forget things...

As I sat at my office chair, thinking of the future, I recall two things that I don't want to happen to me when I reach that age:
- I don't want to grow old alone...
- I don't want to forget anything...

Of the two things, the second scares me most. Currently I have a loving wife and 2 wonderful children. Thou one is not mine, I think of him as my son. My eldest son. Leaving me to believe I am not alone when I grow old. But still, my life since I was a child up to the very moment I am putting my mind into words, I have live in the comfort of being alone. I go out alone, I would work alone and stay on a lonely cube, looking at the window, wondering what the next day would bring. I hardly go out with friends or even casually hang out with office mates. As if the world outside did not exist for me. As I go home, I am alone with no one to converse about the day. But as soon as I arrive at home, I have my kids to comfort me, and my wife to hug me and welcome me home. So far, that eases the worry and nightmare of being alone...

But what scares me now is that, one day, I'd wake up, not knowing my family only my name. Not knowing, who they are and what they have become. It scares me. I want to recall the first time my daughter and I went out. The first time I met my eldest son. The first time, I kissed my wife.

I want to keep those inside my head. But as I grow old, I tend to forget things now. I don't show signs of the illness but the forgetfulness is beginning to creep underneath and make me feel that I am losing a lot in my life, my past and my present. And if I lost both, I lose my future. I am scared. Deeply scared.

But you can fight time? Time is the only thing no one can ever beat. Not even with the greatest technology that medicine has, the unique me will never be cloned, or recreated. Not even reborn as I am. Time is the ultimate enemy of any man. It is what consumes most people. They say time is gold and so it is. For now, I want to make as much memories as I could and try to keep them inside. But I know sooner or later, they will fade. Pictures might keep them safe but the feeling itself, recalling in your mind, every detail, every sensation, I know would be gone sooner or later. This is life. This is how it is.

Again, my thanks for listening...

2013... What comes next... Everybody finds their place sooner or later...

Song: Sakura Nagishi
Sung by: Utada Hikaru

"Everybody finds love... in the end..."

I type today's blog under this song with also a few websites loading of videos from a very touching series of Thai Insurance Commercials. As I also found this song, the lyrics told me this important lesson in life:


Watching flowers just blossomed fall
“Too early, this year” you said,
In disappointment, regret
And you were beautiful

If you could see me now
I wonder what you would think
Me, living without you

Everybody finds love
In the end

If you could hear the newborn’s cry,
Sound and healthy
Ringing in the town you protected
I know you would be so pleased
The footsteps that continue after us

Everybody finds love
In the end

I can’t believe that I’ll never see you again
I haven’t told you anything yet
I haven’t told you anything yet

Watching flowers just blossomed fall
The trees stood by, helpless

However great the fear, I will not look away
If at the end of everything, there is love

I had found love before from someone dear to me and I want to make this year, something for her to be happy for me. And I am happy for her too. It's just that, all I know is that we were never meant to be.

Moving further to this year, I somehow understood a few important facts in life: to every great comfort, I would need to sacrifice something. As I talked with the wife regarding this, I think we both agreed, we have to let go of one of our comforts to reach our goal this year. We're planning to visit a place soon and finally see if this is our home to be. And I hope, we do find it this time. I'm taking the risk. And the risk is small but the results of the risk is big for both of us as it will comfort our lives greater. This comfort can come back later if God allows.

The year ends for me with the thoughts of what has happened to me this 2012, all the smiles and laughs, all the tears and pain I have seen and felt. Lost relatives, remembering the past, giving up friends. It's the cycle of life as it shows it. I pray to God sincerely that this year, I give my family what they ask so badly of me.

I'll try to add more details for this post hopefully tomorrow, I can detail all of my thoughts for 2012. Again, if you read this, thanks for listening. It's just a husband's hope.

The Eighth Grader Syndrome... conclusion...

I opened a discussion last time regarding this Eighth Grader Syndrome or Chunibyou. After watching the last episode of the same anime, I think the ending summary is what I believe true:


People always say they feel awkward about having eighth-grader syndrome.
They say that they don't want to talk about it, that they want to forget about it for good.
But does that really get rid of our crazy old selves and their wild fantasies...
Back when we thought we were special, when we thought something greater watched over us?
People sometimes tell lies, imaging a completely different fantasy world, dream about the distant future, or invent a lover's relationship that only exists inside their heads.
This process repeats from the day we are born until the day we die, forever and ever.
It is depressing...
It is shameful...
But it is dear to us.
It is an illness known as self-consciousness.
It is something we must all face known as "ourselves".
Indeed we carry our eighth-grader syndrome throughout all of our lives. 


Thou as it states, it is quite embarrassing for most of us at this age, passing high school then college and up to a point of having a family, we still carry these dreams of being special and accepted by society as that special person that any one can believe in as a hero, as a friend, as a lover, as a savior...

I would admit and like Josh said, I'd still act like a kid and do poses like a "Kamen Rider" especially when wearing my kabuto zecter. We all had dreams once, embarrassing as it may be, and it's not bad to carry them as for once it made you feel special. People who had this Chunibyou is for me, at this point, special. They hold the greatest gift that God has given, and that is the power to dream. And honestly sometimes, it's not bad to sometimes act or dream of this fantasies as this what makes you, YOU.

Later!

Admit it! You had one too!

I was a little bored this afternoon at work and decided to do some reading, well some informational reading when I happen to cross this word: "Chuunibyou (Tag name: 中二病) is a form of mental sickness."

Ok ok... so it is something that "ahem" some of us had gone through. Taking the actual definition:

Chuunibyou (中二病), or "Middle-school 2nd Year Syndrome", is a colloquial and rather derisive term in Japan which describes a person at the age of fourteen would either act like a know-it-all adult, or thinks they have special powers no one else has. Some would even go as far as being obnoxious, arrogant, and often look down on adults or older people. This way of thinking or acting is mostly seen in teenagers during adolescence, however there are people who still act like this even after reaching adulthood. 

I would honestly admit and would not lie about it. I had gone through that phase and based from the anime that shows this "mental illness", I am banging my head on the wall knowing that some of the most embarrassing moments of my life was trying to be a hero I am not. Even at this age, I still want to be a hero for the meek and the oppressed but I don't have special powers or gadgets or resources to amass such weapons of mass destruction. And I would point out that either some of the people out there had also this weird, funny and yet embarrassing moment in their life. 

At one moment in time, I actually wanted to be like the character on the left. Bio Booster Guyver: part man, part machine, part alien but all hero.

Nice tag line...

He was a symbol of hero for me. He has no control of his power but leads him to destroying evil and worst, the evil is amongst us! I even wanted to be a cyborg at that time. Drawing schematics of an artificial arm similar to the Bionic Commando. 

Anyhow, I think I almost out grown my syndrome and decided to live a normal life where I am bound by human constraints and the ever so dying laws of humanity whereas the Government governs the masses may it be for the good or for the corrupted way. You can always dream as what they say.

I'd like to hope to hear from some people who had their chunibyou experience and somehow admit that once in their life it was kind of cool to imagine that we used to have huge imagination but as we grow, we soon realize we're just mortals. I bid the night farewell and off to see the next morning!

A little Christmas party, here and there

Ok... where do we start?

Last week, I had a few engagements that I want to share. First of all, last week was the department's small Christmas party. At first, it was about to get fun but somehow, someone threw a monkey wrench at the event and everything went sour. On top of that, the head honcho or our department got an email which I expected to get back the day after the Christmas party. 

Sadly, I had to go out at the parking lot and do the task needed. It was my job to begin with so I can't complain. Upon returning, no food, no drinks left. So I am left hungry, starving. This is one of those christmas parties I would consider a failure to manage. But anyhow, regardless, I pray everyone else had fun.

Moving along, I finally got my wife her gift and my daughter. My wife got the phone she wanted. A dual-sim "China" phone capable of playing all the games she wants and ease of use for her since it's dual-sim. I can't complain about the phone but I think seeing what the phone is, it's worth the buck. As for the small girl, I got her a tablet for her own. It's a cheap tablet as well but it's her whose using it so I can't complain. As long as these two ladies in my life are happy. It should be good. 

I also got myself a phone but this one is free. Well worth it I say. 

One hot mommy!

Anyhow, Saturday came and my wife had her own company christmas party. So, as her driver, I went, and was her plus one to the event. The picture on the left shows how my wife is still able to maintain her self regardless of having 3 children.

She had fun at her event. I too had fun. It was a good week after all.

So far, Christmas is like next week. I plan to hide from all the godchildren I have. Other than that, I got nothing else to do during christmas.

What is there any way with Christmas?

I was told that Christmas is actually for children, a day when they can get whatever they want as long as it's negotiable.

Anyhow, that's about it. I know I  am supposed to add more but I forgot what it was. If I ever get to it, I'll put it here.

Anyhow, if I don't get to blog on the next few weeks, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you!

An exciting evening and a tiring one...

Right now I don't have the picture but I'll try to get it and post it on the next blog I enter.

This is a little late blog as all the events had transpired yesterday evening. To be honest, this is my special invite to a party event and I am happy to begin with. I mean, I've been working for like more than 10 years now and this is the first time I had been invited to this. Technically this is one of the perks they say of having the job I am currently employed at and again, excited and happy to be part of it.

There was singing, partying, food, friends and colleagues! The event was something new to me and I am happy to have been there. I even met a cool singer. Well, not actually met, but hey, she said my name a couple of times : )

I also met an old friend, Margo, whom, I believe from 3 christmas parties and 1 summer party, we've met before from that the old old office of mine. She still remembers me. I was nice seeing her again.

I decided not to stay long as I still have lots of things to do when I get home. Of course light traffic heading home but did not stay long on the road and managed to get home safely.

It's not always I get to go to this kind of things... but I am happy to experience this and hope it happens again! Not soon of course!

About the last blog, I decided not to tell or keep it to myself. Something is bound to come along. And I do believe miracles exists. If it didn't, why was the word even invented?

Looking back at the events that had transpired from my career, I had ups and downs. I had never thought that someday, I'd reach this level. I always thought that I might end up pushing numbers and papers to make ends meet but things turned out well. Just a few more push and I can finally fulfill my wife's dream.

Throughout my career, I've been into different jobs and sadly, never stayed long enough. It was a trend this modern times especially if you came from a call center environment. The longest I've been in one office was like 3-4 years.

At this point, my father keeps reminding me, "You need to stay in one work. Set roots."

I want to but opportunity keeps coming and you know the saying, "opportunity knocks only once."

Well, I think for now, I'd watch how things come out and if it gets better then I am very thankful!

Again, thanks for listening...

Why?

I don't know... It just happens.

Somehow things got complicated than I expected and somehow I am at my wits end.

I cannot share this to the person closest to me as I fear my greatest fear comes to a reality.

I try to hide the face that things go bad, I always carry it by myself but sometimes, honestly, I can't carry all this worry alone.

I am supposed to trust her and yet I cannot. I cannot share this problem with her. I'm out of words when it comes to this.

And somehow, nothing is coming out in my head. Solutions are blank. I know there is answer but the risk it imposed is higher. Question is why does this happen, especially at the most crucial and important moments?

I am scared right now.

I'm not supposed to be but I am. I can't think straight right now!

Sleeping in between short periods...

Another long time before I posted.

So what has been happening in the world.

First one was the IT Team building I attended. To be honest this is the second time I had attended a team building event. Enjoyable as well and a lot to be happy about. I was rowdy as always and again trying to fit or blend in. It was fun actually. Had a met a few more great people from other sites.

But after all that, you can actually see how tired everyone was. Not from work but from all the fun. It is the first time I had seen people sleep in the office not because of the tiring work but of the tiring fun they had over the course of the two days.

Everyone was focused on the event and had somehow left behind work which was good, there weren't any life threatening events that could have ruin such fun event for IT.

What could be more fun than enjoying a little time off with your colleagues once a year? Truth be told, a lot of us wish that it could happen again.

I had no other things in mind but to inform myself that my wife has left her old office. After 5 years of the ugly in-office politics and crab mentality of most of the management there, I am proud to here my wife has left and  in just a span of 3 days, has a new job. But the bad part, I have to wake 3:30 in the morning between Mondays to Wednesday and take her to work as the streets are home are not that safe for her. About 8 years ago, I think, she had been mugged and the bastard hit my wife on the face. Well, due justice was given later that month, Caviteno Justice as I would say. Right now, I am focused on making sure she gets to work safe.

What else? Hmm...

Oh, about the last blog. She responded. It's in the comments. And I am happy that it is now a closed chapter in my life. I had made my peace with her and I am happy for her. And so is she for me. We had accepted that things could never be and that one single day, things may turn to a better life for both us. Thou I wish I could see her one last time to thank her but I guess, it's best we don't see eye to eye.

I close this blog with one thing in mind: Sleep. I need lots of it!

Have fun!

The last moment I want to see from her is her sweetest smile...

It's been a while has it...

I'm not even sure if you will be reading this but I want to take this chance to close something in here, inside of me.


It's been years since we last talk. Since we last met. I am  not sure how I will react as I think of the words to tell you. I know things are different now and I don't want to change anything in my life as you have as well. We have different lives, better even if I can say for you. You're in a great place, far from all of the troubles that may come. And I am so happy for you.

As I write this letter, I want to close a part of my life and finally say, "It's over."

I recall that day when you said, there's nothing more. I did not cry, I don't know why I didn't but I felt nothing then. I knew it would come eventually but when someone told me, you did not look happy at that time, and when you hoped we could have fixed the thing between us, I suddenly felt my heart break. And for that long period of time, I finally cried. It took so long to feel the pain and yet why has it took this long. I seldom recall the part of walking the entire road alone, thinking it was over just like that.

What was the reason? I asked myself. Did I do something wrong? Did I take long? Was I not a better person?

I always think of those questions even now. And I told myself, I was not a better person for you. I was a nobody even then and even now. I had nothing to give. I'm so sorry if I was a nobody. Until now I am trying to cope with my own failures and strive to give my family a better future even if it costs me.

Funny thing came into my mind right now, I used to recall how we would send emails to each other just to simplify the love letters we send to each other. It's a funny memory worth keeping and yet I had to let go.

I loved you... all is in the past.

For me, I have to let go. It's as painful as yesterday but I know you would tell me the same thing. The long painful wait has to end. I wish you all the best. That's all I can say and somehow, if we do meet again, all I want to see is that sweet smile... Thank you.

The Long Road ahead...
song: Beautiful World - Utada Hikaru

 It's like a year since I decided to write something on my blog. Something came out of nowhere and so far its biting my conscience like a headache.

Recently or better yet right now I face a great moral dilemma, Do I stay or do I go? What do I mean... Simple. To set the story straight let me go back to a few days ago:

It felt that I've reached the ceiling of my career and that nothing is happening recently. I was waiting always for work to come at me, challenge me, test me. Nothing came, if there were, it'd be done by the end of the day. So what next? Brian would throw me some old items that need to be updated. Yes there was delay on my end due to the fact that I need to keep this delay so I have something to work on. Honestly, I don't like that. I want to impress my boss by submitting the work done in like in a day or from the moment he requested it but again that would leave me with an empty plate. You see, how I work, I work fast and I get to be bored easily once there is nothing to do. And going back to the top story is that, I felt I've reached the ceiling of my work and thought this was a dead end job. So I decided to apply to another office on my own. I sent a couple of resumes to some friends and known bosses that I've work before.

A week after, one of the people I sent my resume called me and told me I am up for an interview! Of course why not I said. It's a new challenge and exciting. We were actually celebrating my mother-in-law's death anniversary that day and somehow kind of symbolic as I asked for something good to happen that day. So I took the interview and never expected that my previous manager from my current job would be the one to interview and that the person who I sent my resume too was the head honcho of that department. Kind of like, "ok what a coincedence."

We got to the part of the job offer. Here's the part that got me thinking. Because no one would ever ask how much you want but they did. I was asked what I make in a month. I told them the truth, my base pay is this x amount. So the head honcho said, he can only give me this but he can guarantee me 10% to a max 30% increase. Why not? that's big and if I do the math I may have reached a +200% of my base pay. So that was like Monday... late that afternoon, their HR called me asked me, if I can come visit tomorrow... for what I asked? Job Offer. In like a span of 12hrs I got a job offer with a better pay.

So I went. The benefits where like... "ok..." but the one that caught my attention, something no one had offered, a housing loan upon getting one year. I NEEDED THAT BADLY. So bad that I forgot I made a promise to my current boss slash director that I would tell them if I were to get an offer. The deal was sweet that I didn't had second thoughts of signing and so I did. I had to render 30 days thou so I told. So they gave me.

Now the terrible part came. I had to give my resignation letter the next day. My immediate boss, connie, was not expecting it. I handed her my resignation letter. I hated myself for doing it. but I had signed. It was an iron clad contract or so I thought but that would be later. We talked. We talked a lot about it. Until she told me I had to tell Ferdy when he gets back, the IT Director, my next-level boss. It was the long holidays. I was told then to think about it. I asked every person I knew and they all told me the same thing except for 3 people. They all told me to move except for my old man, and 2 employees working on the same office.

My dad has a habit of reminding me, "You've never rooted yourself in company. You've never grown further into the company." I never did. I recall having a conversation with Connie about that as that was the trend before. Loyalty over financial as it was not an issue but for me now. It was financial. So when the day came when I had a 1 on 1 with Ferdy, I honestly stated, "it was a strict financial move." Apart from the "Job Ceiling" feeling, I've been feeling lately.

To make my conscience more guilty, 2 of my foreign based directors, heard of my resignation. They fought their were way to get to what I was needing. They even got the Vice President and CIO to agree with the request. Talk about wanting to keep me. I was touched. GREATLY! Never had I any experience on such a level that even your boss remotely away from you, did anything they could to keep you. That was trust. they had trust on my abilities and know how I work. they believe me. and I can never ever replace that.

But to cut the story short as I am so so so beaten by this is that, my 2 bosses did what they can but a gigantic wall was in front and nothing can be done. It's sad. I want to stay but seeing my 2 kids go into school, I want what's best for them. And my wife planning to leave... no. No one leaves. I want to get that house so I can make my family whole.

So tonight I made the most painful decision ever. I came to a conclusion I had to leave. It was for my family. I was asked if I were to take the leap of faith and put my trust in them as they have. I have trust in them but the need was urgent. all I can say was, "I'm sorry. But thank you for everything."

Why "Beautiful World"? It is a beautiful world as you can never find people like my 2 remote bosses. and of course my immediate manager who never fail to remind me that I will never find someone like them. Well I hope the other office can be like that but unique individuals will be unique. Now I just have to live up to their expectation. The world is always full of great people. You just have to trust them...

Well good night and thanks for listening.

Towards a gaming future!
-Song: Yume de Aru Youni - DEEN

"The journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step... and here I go!"

I promised myself I'd do something this year that would somehow make an impression on myself and with the people around. Important people around me.

This has been a very long 10-year project which never ever saw the light so as my promise that I will accomplish something this year other than my priorities I'm opening an old story that had been part of my life. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you the story of "Us Three...".

The story behind this. It was an old project that me and RJ and some guy I can no longer recall that we would make a game. Seriously I would admit I suck at graphics which is why "some guy" covered. While RJ came up with the story with a few of our suggestions but most of the scenarios that plot was his and so is the title, "Us Three..."

"What's "US THREE?" Good question to myself. It's a story of three friends. First of all, a buffed up muscle brained, no sense of direction adventurer that carries a talking sword. Kurow embodied by RJ loves this character that we had too much fun with this hero than the others. Our loving mage, Enlil, whose the complete silent type but is very capable. Weird thing about him is that other than his silence, he can almost pull out everything under his sleeves, he wears a hood by the way so we always ask how he does that. Which embodies "some guy" whose resourcefulness sometimes scares us. Then there's the bad luck run out of the mill thief, Fallacy, and of course embodied by yours truly. Fallacy is almost a good of a thief but he has the worst bad luck. Due to one of his thieving antics, he happened to be cursed that every time his hair got pulled, he turns to a rabid werewolf that likes to bite on Kurow.

Now, most RPG's had 4 characters, we were at a point of adding a 4th member. At first we thought a female since we have no healer we thought about it. But hey Enlil's a mage. Then we thought of having Mango Man: Embodied by Charles. We have no idea how his character got there but I am thinking its there.

So now comes the hard part. I need to dig up old programming books about this. And A GREAT BIG PUSH to get this up to demo. Another issue is that, for some reasons, "Some guy" and me are not in good terms. So I am scratching his character and bringing in Josh... or whatever the character he wants to name it. He becomes the mage. and apparently I plan to make it the same character but I need something different about this one. Anyhow, to finalize stuff, I'm building the game I promised myself. Something I accomplished. I don't care about the graphics or how the story will be or how the sounds will be, this is my game. If people along the way wanted to help, I'd accept it open arms but to me, I want to finish just this one game as an accomplishment and as a promise to myself. Lastly, I'll be posting often and plan to build a new blogsite for this. Hope all goes well.

Day 4: Downer's Grove, Illinois: A Calming Smile after the storm...

Song: Hanamuke no Melody
Sung By: Jyukai
From Ah! My Goddess: Tatakau Tsubasa

It's been a awhile since I posted a picture of myself on the internet. But I stopped in the middle. I don't need an image of me on the internet again. One is enough. My day ended with a storm but somehow as I looked outside the window, the sun is back up even though it is like 8:00 PM here. The storm has passed and somehow, it's a good sign that I'll be able to get home this saturday with no worries. I'm just roughly tired from all the running around and trips here and there. I finally can get a much needed rest next week but only for 3 days. I was hoping a week but my duty beckons. I cannot let the people who trusted me with the job down. Moving forward. I hope all goes well. I also learned a lot from the people I am training with about life. I honestly could say, life is full of surprises.

I was thinking of what to talk about but I guess the picture says it all. I still miss my daughter. Oh by the way, funny thing I read today. My wife is joining a marathon. Ok... not that I foresee things going wrong but I'll give her the benefit that she is trying the least. But still she is doing something I'm not used to seeing. That is if she does. We'll see. Regardless, she joins or not, I'll be cheering for her.

The clouds outside had finally calmed and so is my night. I think, I'll call it a night. Well, here's the song I'm listening again. I hope people like it.

Earrings swaying in the orange setting sun and evening breeze,
Your eyes were cast down on the bench,
If you put out your cigarette, it’s “farewell”.

Because our last memories were all happy smiles
I won’t cry anymore

We who have been torn apart, some day in the future
Lets bloom a lovely, big flower
Goodbye, goodbye, with my trembling lips
I’ll send you a farewell kiss…softly

The veranda which the swallow left from, there are two sandals huddled together
Hey, our memories were scattered even to a place like this
Such dearly loved days

Just like this sky I looked up at,
Where are those things which never change?

At the yet unseen road that is made misty with my tears
The me who have been standing there, I wonder if I can become strong
Despite that, despite that, a new sun will rise, tomorrow will come
Even I…will surely too

To have things lost, and to gain something
“On that day when you pretended to be calm and waved at me”
I don’t regret it one bit

We who have been torn apart, some day in the future
Lets bloom a lovely, big flower
To have such days, to have such days where I loved someone so much,
Giving me a farewell gift… Yes, please believe me

~~~ Good Night!

Day 3 - Missing my summer...
Downers Grove, Illinois

Song: Bokura no Natsu no Yume
Sung By: Tatsuro Yamashita
From the movie "Summer Wars"

As I started my day, I stopped and thought for a second, "How did I spend my summer?"

Did I enjoy the summer? I left the country at the very moment summer was at its peak. I was hoping that on the coming summer, I would have gone out with my daughter. But my work had come first before all of my plans. And yet somehow, how I wished I could have stayed longer. Somehow, the long days here away from my family made me miss the time I spend with them. I recalled then that whenever I was home, I didn't pay much attention to them and that somehow I neglected my time with them. I didn't realize that when I finally left their side, I felt how important they are to me. How important my family was to me. I didn't have a good picture of my family. My son, my daughter and my wife. I never had a family picture. My goal then is that when I get home, to make sure to get a family picture that would make an impression in my life. As the day went by today, I had to walk for like 30 minutes back and forth from hotel to Toy r Us to buy 2 things:

1. A Toy for my daughter: Barbi or something

2. Something else

I ended up not being able to buy anything for myself but I bought a pair of rubber shoes for my daughter. I just hope my son doesn't think that I am forgetting about him. Thou most of my luggage are for my daughter, I never forget to buy one for my son. It's finally dark I noticed as I looked outside the window. I have 3 more days to spend here but to make it all count, it's 4 days more. I couldn't answer one question lingering in my head right now... "Am I a good father?" I couldn't think of the answer. My daughter couldn't tell me. Nor can I ask my son? Am I indeed a good father? I wanted to ask myself that question and find answers but the answeres do not lie in me. They lie on the people around me. I often think, I have not spent any time much with them. Either I had something else to do or I was busy with the work I do. And yet, I wanted to make up with all the time I had lost with them. Was there ever a reason for me to neglect them? I think not. I was irresponsible and somehow, I find an answer that I am not a good father. I want to say that when I get home I'd commit myself to being a good father but then, I couldn't make the resolution nor the actual commitment cause I will know I will fail. It hurts to think that one day, my children will tell me, I was never a good father. I want to be a good father but I know there will still be faults and times I will even fail. But the feeling of being there for them is now in me. I want to see them grow. I want to see them smiling and knowing someone other than their mother, their father will be there for them. Even if there are reasons that would make it hard for one to accept the truth (I know my wife knows this), I will try to be a good father for both of them. They are the reason I continue to live.

I wanted to take the time then to thank my dad. My own dad, for telling me, its not easy being a Dad. I know this a late father's day memo on my end, but this is the only time, being a father struck me. Thanks Dad. You've been a great inspiration in my life and I will always treasure having you as my father.

Well I've said so much. I hope things go well soon when I get home. I miss home and my family. I will be home soon. And surely, I'll get that family picture up on the wall! Later.

By the way... just something for thought:
Our summer is over there,
On the other side of that hill.
Unchanging things,
Beautiful things -
All of them are there.

The sunflowers chase after
The sun’s position.
So intently that we can’t hear
Even the sound of the wind,
We gaze at each other.

Take your heart and add it to mine.
Fill it with drops of light.
If we firmly link our hands together,
A little miracle will be born.

I want you to believe me.
I can see into the future
When I look into your eyes
And see the blue of the sky
Reflected there.

Zero planes fly through the sky
From a faraway era.
That the two of us
Could meet each other here
Must have been fated to be.

Let’s go and follow
The thousands of memories of love.
I will protect you forever.
Our history begins here.

Oh, I wonder,
In which direction
Will fate go
From here?

Painted in the clouds
Is a white promise.
Never forget.

Take your heart and add it to mine.
We’re seeing a summer dream.
If we firmly link our hands together,
A little miracle will be born.
Our miracle will be born.
A miracle of midsummer will…

(Mother of Summer)
(We are together …)

Day 2: Boring Monday

Just plain bored.

Well the training is no boring class. I am learning but after class its just plain boring. Just finish watching family guy but there's nothing good afterwards. I just miss my family.

Nothing else then. That's it.

But again, the long long wait of seeing my family is still there. I want to go home but i have to endure. I do hope something exciting happens at the end of this trip other tha just getting home. Well, nothing happened much but just another day ends.