"I found one answer; that even if I’m scared, even if I’m hurt, I can say “I love you” to the person who I love"

- Sen no Yoru wo Koete (Overcome the Thousands of Nights)
Aqua Timez

It's hard to admit but I learned to protect the people around me even at the risk of my life. They mean all a lot to me and they all make me feel protected as well. It's a lesson I learned when I was back in highschool. There's this one person I'd promise I'd protect always and somehow through the course of time, I went from one place to another and finally forgot that person. I am somewhat arguing if I made the right choice of not pursuing her. I can't say I did or I can't say I should have. Probably by now she is in a better situation. Somewhere were someone would love her and take care as well. There were only 2 people I love most and somewhat they were very close to me. One broke my heart, one made my heart wait. But now, I am happy where I am. I am with the one person whom I know would not leave me. Call me hopeless romantic but that's how I see my wife.

On the side note, that damn ethereal necromancer will die in my hands! I swear, this sword, this great sword, no this bad ass great killing sword will rip to pieces! He will fall!

Moving forward... sorry about the commercial, I just had a bad AD&D encounter earlier this afternoon and now I know how an imaginary door feels to my character. As I note, it hurts and breaks a part of your body, my nose even. Again, moving forward, where was I? Ah yes, there are people whom I always wanted to protect and so are my loyalty. I am loyal to the person who have shown me true leadership and proper etiquette. I will not say who they are but there's plenty. But as long as the people are there, and they would need my help, i'll be there.

The phrase on top was from a song I am currently listening will typing this. It's not bad to say to the person you love, I love you, thou there's a possibility that you won't be love back but the brave part was you said it. Take it from one of hard gay's show where he helps this kendo student to propose to this girl. He said he like her but crash and burn. This is one of many ups and downs when you say you love someone. I will hurt but you shouldn't be that affected, you should be atleast proud of yourself, you said you love her and sum up all the courage you can. I for one, had lots of those crash and burn. Why? Hey, I am not handsome at all. I have a skin disease I got from my old man, a lazy attitude and yet somehow I am happy to be married. I want to ask her, why me? well I think I remember her telling me, that she loved me with no questions, of who I am, she cares not. As long as she knows she loves me and she'll keep it that way and as for me, I will always be in love with my wife. We will have our ups and downs, but that's life for you. You can't get the pleasure always. As for the person, falling in love can hurt but you will encounter it. My sister told me she has a 4th yr highschool as a boyfriend. I told her its ok by me, as long as, she is responsible. And I know she is. I trust her and I know she won't break my trust. Well, how should I end this?

Hmm...

Here, Love can be painful, yet the fruits of a successful love between two people is sweeter than the sweetest candy there is. Good luck and step on the plate, say to that person you love her/him. It will not hurt, well it will on the first but after that, you'd say, atleast I did it. And if they say sorry, then atleast on your end, you offered the greatest love you can offer. Later!

"Home... home is where your first step into life begins."


I went home today and realized how I miss my family. I would admit I was a pain in the butt when I was a kid. Even now more likely. I somehow lack the motivation to continue to post today. Maybe when I feel like writing more. But then again, laziness is at its peak. I'll tell more later. Ok?

Finally I got into inspiration to write something about. There's a scene in lucky star episode 22 that had touched me numerous times. Kinda odd for a man like me to feel like that but somehow the story entails of the father's lost of his wife and his daughter somewhat asking, "why did mom marry you? I mean you are a loser and a failure but why you?" A question lingering on the fact that I am on the same level of the father. I am nobody to begin with. I didn't make it much in college. I wasn't your successful businessman or office tycoon. I'm just a lowly everyday employee of a huge company, earning what seems to be right for me. But why me? I dare ask my wife and she said there were no reasons attached. But one thing told me and taught me about the father's response to her daughter... "Perhaps I can say I am confident..."

"Confident enough to say that I am the man who loved your mother more than anyone in the world..."

I can say the same thing today. I love my wife each passing day and each moment that came. Now that we are expecting a baby, I even love her more. I'll take a picture of her someday while she is still pregnant to keep the memories. As I said, home is where everything starts. This is my new home, together with my wife and soon to be baby. I wish we can keep this one. I lost my first baby during a time. I wasn't careful. This time I will be ready and this I will make sure we keep this one. I haven't thought of a name yet. maybe i should post one of those watcha call em.... err... umm... google for a sec... voting polls! yes that's it. To see what name would be nice. Anyhow, I'm on a running time here. So I can't explain the time I have left. There's still problem with the phone where I can't stay connect long enough. My in-laws keeps putting the dsl down. so anyhow... I've shared a context of my life today. Maybe sometime I will add more and I've also up the comments so maybe sometime I can expect someone to tell me there own story. Or hear from an old friend. Well good luck to the next journey. I'll be going out today and head to scott's place for a game. I'll make sure this time the paladin is brave and noble. Later!!!

"It's what people around you that makes half of you..."

I dedicate this blog to my office mates. I never was much of a social person. I was more an anti-social person. I can't say much today cause, nothing is popping in my head but cheers to my friends. I can't say where we work. It's a hush hush. hehehe.

Good Luck to everyone!

"Was there something I've forgotten..."

I was listening to this song and remembered the anime I watched about a month ago. Was there something I've forgotten during the 5 years that had passed. Was there something I should have done or said? I can't seem to remember. It's no that I love my wife but I've started remembering someone who had been a part of me. I'd be honest now, she was the first person who made me really feel I was love other than by my family. I don't know if we'll meet again but the time we would meet, it would have been too late. very late. My father in law must have disconnected the DSL. As I look at the blinking light that suddenly stopped I soon realize that this is the present. I have to let go of my past. A love that lasted only for a short time was not worth remembering. I guess by now she is more happy to whom she is with. She would not even remember me perhaps. I was only a momentary love. Said to say but that's how it was to me. She's in another country working. I for one need to get ready. I am visiting my son's grave today. I promised my wife and my child I would do it today, regardless of the weather but then who am I to complain. It was something I decided, a year ago and the decision I made 3 years ago. When I told myself that my wife would be the last person for me. I've not longed for someone then since but my wife. But after realizing the time, I believe I can say, I made the right choice of being with the right person for me. I know someone would read this, and I know it'd reach her one day or even someone but no one can tell me I made the wrong choice. They'd know I still carry a scar from a past that happened. It's something I would remember regardless. The place is still in my head, her voice, her smile, the people. Everything that had happened to me during that time is something that I could not erase. When I was in college there was this one person that made each of my day complete and yet also made it regretful. My wife knows who it is and she filled me with all her love. But like a scar, it would always be there. I don't remember it always but when I stop and look and to see the places around me, I knew at the back of my head I would remember it. I would not blame my wife for hating me for remembering but...

It's something I would live with... forever...

Painful... yet it is what I choose. I can say that I've not forgotten anything. Everything that had hurt, made me laught, cry and smile. I can say, it's all here in me. Everything. The places... the people... the feelings. It's here. I can always go back and feel them. I love my wife, my home, my child and my next child. If we would meet, perhaps I can say to her sorry that time I've chosen not to be with her and yet I am happy we had parted ways. I learned a lot and kept everything inside of me. I can say to her thank you. These memories will always be here. Of her and of that time. And now, I can say... All that memories had reminded me that I have once, I am now, and still in love...

Thanks Dobi... thank you.

I've searched for the lyrics of this song and I do hope you'd enjoy it too as I have:

One More Time, One More Chance

How much more do I have to lose, before my heart is forgiven?
How many more pains do I have to suffer, to meet you once again?
One more time, oh seasons, fade not
One more time, when we were messing around

Whenever we disagreed, I would always give in first
Your selfish nature made me love you even more
One more chance, the memories restrain my steps
One more chance, I cannot choose my next destination

I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
On the opposite platform, in the windows along the lane
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right away
There would be nothing I couldn’t do
I would put everything on the line and hold you tight

If I just wanted to avoid loneliness, anybody would have been enough.
Because the night looks like the stars will fall, I cannot lie to myself.
One more time, oh seasons, fade not.
One more time, when we were messing around

I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
At a street crossing, in the midst of dreams
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
If a miracle were to happen here, I would show you right away
The new morning, who I’ll be from now on
And the words I never said: “I love you.”

The memories of summer are revolving
The throbbing which suddenly disappeared

I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
At dawn on the streets, at Sakuragi-cho
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right away
There would be nothing I couldn’t do
I would put everything on the line and hold you tight

I’m always searching, for fragments of you to appear somewhere
At a traveller’s store, in the corner of newspaper,
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
If a miracle were to happen here, I would show you right away
The new morning, who I’ll be from now on
And the words I never said: “I love you.”

I always end up looking for your smile, to appear somewhere
At the railroad crossing, waiting for the express to pass
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
If our lives could be repeated, I would be at your side every time
I would want nothing else
Besides you, nothing else matters

The picture above is taken from the same anime "Byosoku 5 cm" something I would suggest to watch if they had time. 2 birds flying amidst the snow like the hurdles of the challenges that happen to everyone.

Thou many had forgotten their most loved person, someone would still remember it. Someone along the line would come back and remind you of it. You may not see it but somehow you would remember it one of these days. It's impossible to say you'd forgotten it but you would. Well I've said too much for today. Good luck to you on your next journey.

"What was not there, it is now..."

Hmm... "blank"... "stare"... "blink"... What am I thinking right now? I don't know. Kinda confused for a fact nothing is going in my head. I'm completely blank. Well not really. There is this thing that bothers me and my wife had been talking about. Am i only like second to her. It felt that way. But I don't know, it really felt that way. I don't want to discuss it now. It's not a point to discuss but it was not there but it is now.

Somethings are meant to happen unnoticed, in the past 3 years I've live my life, there are things I never expected. A wife, a child, a good job... a dream. But then they can all disappear. What was not there, it is now tells me that things can go awry or better which depends on the person deciding on his reality. I can't be the one to judge for you to go left if you want to go right. I can't say that' up when you are looking down on me. things can always be different and these things can happen at any time you least expect.

At this point, I'm tired and sleepy but then I wanted this out of my head. Maybe sleeping will let it go.

Later... = )

"Huh? Stop... Look... and Listen... Where am I? Now?"

Ah... 4 years has it been not. Married, and waiting for my 2nd baby. I was suppose to be a father now but I lost one part of my life. My first baby. It's been a while since I decided to post part of my life. Not hat i have time, I was lazy so to speak. And yes like I said on my last blog, I'd be in customer service. I am now. I work for a good company. The pay is good, the people are good. What was there that I missed.

I started thinking and thought about what had happened to me in the past few years. Had i not taken pictures? Had i not kept memories? It's all hear in my head. Thinking, mingling with the other thoughts I have. I'm deciding to post as much as i could. put a glimpse of my life so that if i want to recall it, i can always go here.

2003... I met the woman i'd marry someday. Here name was Andriea.

Lourdes actually but she prefers to be called Andriea. More like me, be called Max than Vincent. We've been married for like a year now and on our second baby, 4 months and 1/2... i think.

It was the unlikely way of meeting. We were the worst enemies ever. We can't even agree on things when we first met. But i am thinking, where did I change? Where did my heart change? Why is she my wife?

Odd things happen in the least time you expect it. We were so in love afterwards. But in every relationship there were ups and downs. Something i never expected, something she never wanted to happen. A year after we've been together, i started seeing someone. I'm not to mention her name, it's a taboo. but then, 2006 came, and here we are married. I can't find yet a good pic to scan and upload but mainly. I'll try to recall each day that passed during that time. between 2003 to 2006 up to today. I'll be a long story but who knows. I'd be fun to recall soon. How me and my wife met. A story someday I can tell my kids, and something to tell me, I have a better life now.

What's the point of all this?

One thing I can say, memories.

These are the reasons that give us strength. Something to cry about. Something to hold onto. Promises kept. Words that had been said. Actions that had changed the life of others. I can't find a proper picture to put how memories are to us. They can be places, things, people or even emotions that we cling into. I have many. What about yours? Do you remember all that hurt, that made you smile, that made you cry? The one that even made you feel alive? It keeps on and on, making and treasuring more as they come. Your first kiss, your first date. Your first girlfriend or boyfriend. Right now, I'd end this blog this way:

Somewhere at any time if you're reading this or even, you'd stop, pause for a minute... and tell yourself, "I remember..."

Have fun!

"To be taught how to love is the greatest thing someone can ever learn..."

I knew something was bound to happen to me one day and I knew I would never find miss right in my life but I was proven wrong. Perhaps if I should be lucky to be able to atleast given a chance to live long and meet this woman whom I refer as miss right. It seemed to be an endless search for the right time and right person to come and let me know that I should live long just to be able to meet her. This day, everything was a bit different. I had started my day slow but everything was coming to me fast. I had been with just a small time with her yet I wanted to be in love with her each day. Maybe if she'd let me, maybe I can both prove to me that I can love again and to her that no one would hurt her again. I need to learn to love again thou. I need to learn where I should stand and where I should be. Maybe this would be another experience for me to learn. A new one that would somehow teach me, there will be always new things for me to put in mind.

Love is sweet, it is bitter... As of now that is all I can say. Maybe later I'll add more.

"Perhaps, sometimes, anybody is always afarid to be hurt be someone... we just can't let it go that easily..."

Maybe I was a bit harsh on my judgement on a person. He was right in a sense that he needs to protect that special someone of his and I don't blame him. He is a responsible man. Mainly, I was pressuring him. It was both work and love that is tied right now. We could not choose whether which one should we follow, whether if be love or work, duty or heart. I could forget love right now because the truth is I too am afraid to be hurt. I am loving someone who is also afraid to be hurt and to hurt someone. I wish I could answer all the questions I have now but I believe I am trying to assure myself that I won't be lonely anymore. I was afraid also to find a reason why I do love her and I was afraid that in the moment I love I would lose all even my own life. I had to think all steps I had taken. From the start I was happy to find love at a difficult time yet I risked it. I risked losing my own sanity. I was in love. With someone who pushes me back and wishes not to hurt me but also for me not to hurt her. I would prove her wrong if I had time to let her know how much she is. I envy as of now the two in front of me. They are in love with each other yet I am alone as of now. I could do nothing but watch them have their love. Sometimes, I too have my weakness I could not cover. As one would say, "Isn't it beautiful, to walk together in each others hands" yet right now... I long for someone...

Nobody can change the truth that we ourselves hide our pain in a different way. From acting like a child to eating which is the only solution to many. Pain is something no one can remove. Both physical and emotional. But the emotional pain can harm the physical self. We bury our self in guilt and render ourselves helpless with the tears we carried and never let go of our own pain that continued to be etched in our hearts. No one can actually changed the fact that we are in pain. We will always be, we just have to let go of it so maybe we can learn to accept the truth. Love is always come and go. and it never stays in one place. It will stay if one proved that it is true to its own. We urged not to be this type of love cause we know it will hurt us. If one can let go of his or her pain of her heart, maybe a person will grow to love someone true...

"Things change... people do also..."

I took me long to notice i wasn't able to log anything yesterday. But I think things will be going well for me and you know who. I just have to prove I am worth her love. that is. I have to change my actual way of living in order for her to accept me. Well right now, while typing this, I miss her. As of forever, she is a big part of me. I really want to be with her. I have to change styles, attitude, a lot. But if it's worth it, i have too. I never actually changed my attitude before but i guess this will be first. Oh one more thing, my money has not come in yet!. I'm flat broke! Got no more money but just ticket to go home. Poor me. Must learn to save also. But with regards to this, i am hoping to win her heart, even it costs me. She it that important to me, neh. I am smiling as of now, thinking I won't be ehem might be no longer alone. With all the internet sites offering me to meet people, i had some but thinking they are so far away, how can i meet them. So i'm sticking to her. she's worth all the time in the world for me. And i believe she is.

People say they cannot change. yes things change, seasons change, people don't according to some philosophy of man. But there will always be a time for everyone to turn from bad to good, better to best. We just have to find it in our heart to accept this changes. We cannot deny the fact we have our bad part of the apple. We have done to show we are human so we need to change and work on that bad part and be good to where we are not weak. If you are holding on to an old relationship, grow up from it. you'll find better men and who knows. Maybe this guy is the right who'll treat you right. If you're a failure in math, study. We need to change sometimes. Not for the worst but for the better so not only you who gets to become great and admires yourself, a lot of people will also enjoy your company and you yourself will be admired by others...

"They said love is always there... and it is."

Maybe I was jumping to an early conclusion. Right I am in love of someone but she keeps pushing me back. I want to know why. Maybe I was fast but I wanted her to know me better. I wanted her to see me as who I am now not who I am not. I wanted to let her know how much she means to me. But I was hoping maybe I'd find out why first she would not let me. You see, she thinks its a dare practically. But to me its no more. I'd fallen for the prize. I may sound stupid but the truth is, i did fell for the girl. I never thought that I'd still be thinking that's its just a dare but It's not anymore. I really wanted to be in love with her. As much as I could. I wanted to give everything I could and let her know how much she means to me and how much it would mean to me that she'd accept me. Proving to her was the difficult thing. Showing her was easy, proving was the hard part. I guess I am not a casanova that many women would just adore but I'm not. I'm just a simple innocent man wandering. ehem, wondering. but now, I'm taking steps on how to let her know I really want to be with her with all my life and heart.

Maybe there is always time for love. We love at times, we hate at times. We just find times at each moment but to love a person or to share love is always there. There wasn't a time you never loved someone with all your heart. You always sacrificed the greatest you have for that love. and you gave everything you had for that moment to last. from smiles, tears to joy to sorrow and yet it lasted in your mind and heart. You should always love according to a philosopher who I forgot but he said, "It is not to late to love for love takes no time or place. It's just us who make it happen where and when we want it." He was right on that part. It's just us who make it happen. Why not just fall in love? Why not let yourself be taken? We're afraid. Afraid to be hurt to cry. It's normal they say. Even a man cries once in a while. I admit. I cried for love one time. I lost the love I wished would never end. I wanted to end my life back then. But someone told me, its not just one. its all. Its al who you love. You love one person yet you don't know someone also loves you. and maybe then, i'll be strong to love again and maybe this time its my chance. Take a chance, it will hurt but it will teach you how to feel loved always.

"You grow as time fly... You grow as you journey by... You will grow when you finally face reality as your own..."

I think we do all need to grow. Its just that some of us won't accept growing. I've met different people had different acquintances and all which had become older or mature than I am. I keep thinking about the day I'll grow old and mature. Somehow, I keep on thinking maybe I will but it will take time. Somehow I am concerned about a friend, actually a couple right now. I admit I am envious of them as of now cause they have each other and I only have myself. But its ok. You win some, you lose some. They're in a ditch right now. Her parents would not accept her having a serious relationship would not be accepted. Why is that? I could do something but the man told me not to interfere. So I will not. But I guess I should not. They are teenagers and I think they are adults now and they know what they should do. I will not intervene and I applaud there strength to hold on to each others hearts. You see, it is when two people meet their challenge, their relationship grows stronger and the more they will love each other if they overcome this together. I can't do anything but watch.

Do we grow or mature? We both. We grow physically and mature emotionally, mentally, spiritually. We just can't stop it. As we pass every experience we could, we learn and know more about life. It's secrets, its pains, its challenges. We smile sometimes at Life when we see it. We learn to accept it. It's just that we can't believe it sometimes why this is this and why that is that. It's your life to take care, its your heart to watch for. You feel them once in a while and meet its terms. I smile each moment as I write this because i know I had my part of it. I learned and out grew loved then. I had no more time for it as of now. I'm just happy to be able to witness it in my life. When I had a chance back then. I guess like i said before, you do win some, you do lose some. This is my life, I chose it to be this way. I can still teach others about life. And I guess I too had grown...

"Do not despise thy self... If you wish to be great, uplift yourself and be who you're suppose to be!"

It is not always what I wanted to be is what I wanted to be. I was young back then. I always wanted to be someone. A Hero, an Artist, a Professional Spy Hunter, A Cybernetics Scientist or something. But what am I right now... I'm an IT-Coach/Manager on a Call Center. I wanted to be someone but they said what ever you wanted when you were a child is not that easy to be. A kid wants to be a doctor, but when he grows up he becomes successful Attorney or Law Men. Well put it into perspective. I always wanted to be this, to be that but we never get to be who we want to be. Why?

Do we really hate ourselves sometimes that we think we can never who we want to be? I believe some will say yes, some will say no. It is just how we see ourselves. Are you ugly? Are you stupid? Are you all thet negative? No you are not! If someone says that to you let me know, i'll sucker punch him to the moon! Not on a religious basis, we are made with defects and above all those defects we have an outstanding greatness. All we need to is to be able to know ourselves. Hey you're ugly but you're nice and act more of a human rather than some rich pompous handsome person! You're handicapped but you can do something nobody else can do. Take it from someone who does karate on a wheel chair. Or back here at my place, she maybe ugly but she is one heck of a superstar here. You need to learn from yourself. And we all learning tkaes time but it is a never ending process that will gain you, and i assure you, gain you all the things in the world. Me... well now i know where i should be, Customer Care Representative who can help others more than I had done to. If you need me just let me know, i'll be there even i'm miles away!!! Promise that!