Gratification... Cruelty... Honesty... Friendship... Nightmares... Conclusion...

Change she says. Maybe I should...

I don't know and I don't care right now. No one really understands. Not even the person closes to me. I don't want my children to experience the same.

Let me do a little flashback: I was a loner since child, highschool and even college. I am used and accustomed of the company of only myself and my shadow. I didn't care about others that much. Well, I did sort of but no one knew about it. I was presumed by everyone a retard, an anti-social person, a nerd/geek. Name it. I had that nickname. I'm used to it.

Friendship?

Yes, I had friends but never enjoyed my company. They had their own group, I had my own. It's a complex... a personality complex and I might be suffering from my own complex, alienating people. At the moment, the only people I trust are a few but closes would be my family.

Cruelty?

I may have said something in facebook that could be cruel but to me it is true. I made time and yet made a fool to wait for nothing. I was told to return but I didn't. I was scared. I was scared of their cruelty. I would be an outcast to their group, which would bring me to even be more cruel.

Honesty?

I deleted my facebook account permanently... why? For honesty's sake, I don't want to get hurt. Even thou it's been like 16 years, I am still scarred and scared. I never grew out of this tortoise shell.

Friendship?

Why need friends when you have enemies like this? I can't sort them as villain in my own world. I can only say, I thought there was friendship. The feeling is heavy right now, thinking if they are still somewhat what I can call as friends.

Nightmares?

It has to end. Somewhere, some point. And I did. It stops here.

Emotionally I am unstable and tend to draw back. I tend to alienate people if I feel in a weakened state. I never grew out of this shell. Even my wife sees it often but she adapted. Why can't people adapt to others? I remember one phrase that somehow made sense but not applicable at the moment: "Seek to understand than to be understood". I want to understand why they did it but then if I were to know the reality of it, it scares me. So I drew back, walking... np, running away from it.

Nobody knows who I really am, maybe they just didn't care - quoting a song.

I want to change and it has to start from me. But to trigger change is to trigger my self-destruct switch. I am not yet ready to face them. Not like this.

If someone cared... then I guess, I would dare them to post a comment here, then maybe change can start and accept one's own truth.