Day 4: Downer's Grove, Illinois: A Calming Smile after the storm...

Song: Hanamuke no Melody
Sung By: Jyukai
From Ah! My Goddess: Tatakau Tsubasa

It's been a awhile since I posted a picture of myself on the internet. But I stopped in the middle. I don't need an image of me on the internet again. One is enough. My day ended with a storm but somehow as I looked outside the window, the sun is back up even though it is like 8:00 PM here. The storm has passed and somehow, it's a good sign that I'll be able to get home this saturday with no worries. I'm just roughly tired from all the running around and trips here and there. I finally can get a much needed rest next week but only for 3 days. I was hoping a week but my duty beckons. I cannot let the people who trusted me with the job down. Moving forward. I hope all goes well. I also learned a lot from the people I am training with about life. I honestly could say, life is full of surprises.

I was thinking of what to talk about but I guess the picture says it all. I still miss my daughter. Oh by the way, funny thing I read today. My wife is joining a marathon. Ok... not that I foresee things going wrong but I'll give her the benefit that she is trying the least. But still she is doing something I'm not used to seeing. That is if she does. We'll see. Regardless, she joins or not, I'll be cheering for her.

The clouds outside had finally calmed and so is my night. I think, I'll call it a night. Well, here's the song I'm listening again. I hope people like it.

Earrings swaying in the orange setting sun and evening breeze,
Your eyes were cast down on the bench,
If you put out your cigarette, it’s “farewell”.

Because our last memories were all happy smiles
I won’t cry anymore

We who have been torn apart, some day in the future
Lets bloom a lovely, big flower
Goodbye, goodbye, with my trembling lips
I’ll send you a farewell kiss…softly

The veranda which the swallow left from, there are two sandals huddled together
Hey, our memories were scattered even to a place like this
Such dearly loved days

Just like this sky I looked up at,
Where are those things which never change?

At the yet unseen road that is made misty with my tears
The me who have been standing there, I wonder if I can become strong
Despite that, despite that, a new sun will rise, tomorrow will come
Even I…will surely too

To have things lost, and to gain something
“On that day when you pretended to be calm and waved at me”
I don’t regret it one bit

We who have been torn apart, some day in the future
Lets bloom a lovely, big flower
To have such days, to have such days where I loved someone so much,
Giving me a farewell gift… Yes, please believe me

~~~ Good Night!

Day 3 - Missing my summer...
Downers Grove, Illinois

Song: Bokura no Natsu no Yume
Sung By: Tatsuro Yamashita
From the movie "Summer Wars"

As I started my day, I stopped and thought for a second, "How did I spend my summer?"

Did I enjoy the summer? I left the country at the very moment summer was at its peak. I was hoping that on the coming summer, I would have gone out with my daughter. But my work had come first before all of my plans. And yet somehow, how I wished I could have stayed longer. Somehow, the long days here away from my family made me miss the time I spend with them. I recalled then that whenever I was home, I didn't pay much attention to them and that somehow I neglected my time with them. I didn't realize that when I finally left their side, I felt how important they are to me. How important my family was to me. I didn't have a good picture of my family. My son, my daughter and my wife. I never had a family picture. My goal then is that when I get home, to make sure to get a family picture that would make an impression in my life. As the day went by today, I had to walk for like 30 minutes back and forth from hotel to Toy r Us to buy 2 things:

1. A Toy for my daughter: Barbi or something

2. Something else

I ended up not being able to buy anything for myself but I bought a pair of rubber shoes for my daughter. I just hope my son doesn't think that I am forgetting about him. Thou most of my luggage are for my daughter, I never forget to buy one for my son. It's finally dark I noticed as I looked outside the window. I have 3 more days to spend here but to make it all count, it's 4 days more. I couldn't answer one question lingering in my head right now... "Am I a good father?" I couldn't think of the answer. My daughter couldn't tell me. Nor can I ask my son? Am I indeed a good father? I wanted to ask myself that question and find answers but the answeres do not lie in me. They lie on the people around me. I often think, I have not spent any time much with them. Either I had something else to do or I was busy with the work I do. And yet, I wanted to make up with all the time I had lost with them. Was there ever a reason for me to neglect them? I think not. I was irresponsible and somehow, I find an answer that I am not a good father. I want to say that when I get home I'd commit myself to being a good father but then, I couldn't make the resolution nor the actual commitment cause I will know I will fail. It hurts to think that one day, my children will tell me, I was never a good father. I want to be a good father but I know there will still be faults and times I will even fail. But the feeling of being there for them is now in me. I want to see them grow. I want to see them smiling and knowing someone other than their mother, their father will be there for them. Even if there are reasons that would make it hard for one to accept the truth (I know my wife knows this), I will try to be a good father for both of them. They are the reason I continue to live.

I wanted to take the time then to thank my dad. My own dad, for telling me, its not easy being a Dad. I know this a late father's day memo on my end, but this is the only time, being a father struck me. Thanks Dad. You've been a great inspiration in my life and I will always treasure having you as my father.

Well I've said so much. I hope things go well soon when I get home. I miss home and my family. I will be home soon. And surely, I'll get that family picture up on the wall! Later.

By the way... just something for thought:
Our summer is over there,
On the other side of that hill.
Unchanging things,
Beautiful things -
All of them are there.

The sunflowers chase after
The sun’s position.
So intently that we can’t hear
Even the sound of the wind,
We gaze at each other.

Take your heart and add it to mine.
Fill it with drops of light.
If we firmly link our hands together,
A little miracle will be born.

I want you to believe me.
I can see into the future
When I look into your eyes
And see the blue of the sky
Reflected there.

Zero planes fly through the sky
From a faraway era.
That the two of us
Could meet each other here
Must have been fated to be.

Let’s go and follow
The thousands of memories of love.
I will protect you forever.
Our history begins here.

Oh, I wonder,
In which direction
Will fate go
From here?

Painted in the clouds
Is a white promise.
Never forget.

Take your heart and add it to mine.
We’re seeing a summer dream.
If we firmly link our hands together,
A little miracle will be born.
Our miracle will be born.
A miracle of midsummer will…

(Mother of Summer)
(We are together …)

Day 2: Boring Monday

Just plain bored.

Well the training is no boring class. I am learning but after class its just plain boring. Just finish watching family guy but there's nothing good afterwards. I just miss my family.

Nothing else then. That's it.

But again, the long long wait of seeing my family is still there. I want to go home but i have to endure. I do hope something exciting happens at the end of this trip other tha just getting home. Well, nothing happened much but just another day ends.

Day 1 - Downers Grove, Il - BMC Training on its way.
Song: first love (piano)

So where were we? Finally left St. Paul and now heading to Illinois. The trip was supposed to be 2 hours but lets see. I happen to talk to this guy who told me he went to the philippines and proposed to a filipina for marriage, and i think they are getting married as we speak. Its not that i pity the guy but still marriage with a filipina may get him more than he bargained for. I do pray for his soul. Anyhow i am using the companies provided item to get his blog into my account later. Probably when i get to the hotel i will. Other than that, i really need to go to the bathroom. I am itching to go and the seatbelt sign is still on! 1 more weeknand jthen i'll be meeting my family soon. Also hopinh that is flight is the flight home but i got one more week to spend here in the US. Lets see what adventure i get myself into when i get to illinois. To be continues...

So here are i am in downers grove. Yup, steve and scott are right, boring as hell. Anyhow, i was expecting good room service but no. I got a hell of the time trying to get my things up to the 7th floor. Finally got to my room. Its small. I feel like denied the truth that they say this is good place. Hell next door is my living room and study in one. But i can't complain. I'm here so make most of it.

Somehow, as i quietly lie down in bed and look outside, i somehow miss my wife. It is hard for me to be away from my family. I miss them each night that i had been away with them and that how i wish they are here with me now. My daughter who always calls me and brightens my day even with the stressing work i do. I am longing at the moment. I need to endure my wife always says. It is a sacrifice i need to do for my family. And i am enduring. I couldn't sleep as i got to thinking what they are doing now. My wife is at work, my daughter playing. My son getting to school. I know, they miss me too. But i miss them more. I'll be home soon that's what i know.

And so is father's day today here yet, i am spending it alone. It breaks my heart that i am alone, here in this hotel room, with the bright sky outside, longing for my family. I know, i'll be home soon. I promise i will come home soon...

Day 18 - A Rainy Day in St. Paul...

Song: Rainbow
Sung By: Round Table feat. Niño

I got into thinking, am I a nice person? I think I posted this on my last blog I just forgot when. But again, I ask myself, have I been a nice person. The entire day, it was raining here in St. Paul, well til like 5:00 PM then the sun decided to shine. Things looked a bit ok. But earlier, as I sat with Steve Snyder, my counter part here in the US, we've been talking about being happy. I would honestly say I am happy with my life right now and thou the progress is slow, I know He who seats in the highest place in heaven would never put me into harm or if there is challenge in my life, I'm sure He'll be there to support me.

A lot things had gone around my life. My first love, first kiss, first break up, my marriage, the lost of my 2nd son, the birth of my beautiful daughter and my first away from them. When I think about those things, the time I had spent my life had been very much filled with emotion. Every part had a turning point. Life as we see it has its ups and downs. I wanted to see a better tomorrow but its up to me to get to that day. So I guess, I'll call it a night now. Life is kinda ok for me.

Before I do forget, I'd like to thank my sister for today's song. Somehow it is indeed inspiring and relaxing. Good Night!

Day 16 - THE POOL!!!

Song: Stay Beautiful Sung by: Diggy-Mo


Oh!

As I type this blog, I'm in my happy zone! Dream Dream! Scream Scream! Heart Heart! Well anyhow, let me get to today's story.
On the image on the side is the place were I enjoyed my summer. Well, not with my family but I think with my extended family. It was a well worth it trip and had lots and lots of fun.

My first outdoor trip in Minnesota, welcome to Bunker Beach! The place had 4 features. The picture above is the Wave Pool. I'll get back to that in a bit. Next is the Kid's pool. Another story... Then they have the slide pool:


Somehow on the first flight I was scared. Hey! I'm not fond with heights. So my first slide, belly flop! But on the next it was fun. Next was the lazy river. You do nothing, you just lie down on a provided floatation device and like waddle on the water. It was the relaxing part of the pool.

Now going back, the WAVE POOL. Imagine a pool with a built in Wave Creating Machine. I'm tired actually just trying to type this blog but I had to type it anyway. So like I'd go up to the 5 ft, then the wave would like pass by. I had to jump or else the wave will take me all the way back to the 3ft. But each time I would jump, I would like feel that the ground was missing below me like I was on a 7 ft deep pool. It was a fun tiring experience.

The Kiddie Pool. This is the sad part of the trip. Seeing the little kids jumping onto the pool made me want to have my daughter enjoy the same trip. How I miss them now. Well that's my Day 16 here in St. Paul, MN.

Now on to serious stuff. The guy that offered us to go with his family, Kuya Louie was a very friend person. Eventhough we were complete strangers, he still offered us to come with him. We found out a few stories in his life that made me realize one thing: I never want to have a broken family. Louie had a daughter, an 8 year old bright and beautiful daughter, Lala. She was a very active and fun girl. I was curious then and asked the small girl, if she'd choose who to stay with, she honestly answered: "I can't decide. I love them both." I am touched. To see a young girl, amidst her current situation understands how important her parents are to her. In my life with my wife and kids, I never want any of them to experience that situation. As much, i try to make sure me and my wife have a good working family relationship. I love my wife and my family and that how I wish things will better for us once we get our house built. The good news is that, as I heard from my wife, we're good to go, we just need to go to the housing authority and the electric company, we should be ready soon. So by the time I get home, the house is now getting built.

I leave with one song:

What should I do?
Why do you rush after your dreams?
Oh!

But if I wanna stay like this
I gotta go slap my leather jacket on

I oughtta go in style
I'm going to shining Venus city
Forgive me but even if I'm stupid
The way I am now
Oh!

I'm gonna stay like this forever
Let me go knowin' now the pressure is on
There's feelings I can't describe

Hey all you stars up there
That heart of yours
Is all the world has
Never forget it
Oh oh oh oh!

Dream Dream!
Get ahead of the real world

Scream Scream!
Cry out in a passionate voice

Heart Heart!
I'm shy around your smile
Stay Beautiful!
Oh oh oh oh!

Kick Kick!
I can face the cruel world

Beat Beat!
Clanging with emotion

Heart Heart!
Must be so strong, so

Tough Tough Tough
Stay Beautiful!
Oh oh oh oh!

Scream Scream!
Oh oh oh oh!

Heart Heart!
Oh oh oh oh!

DREAM DREAM!!! Dream on!

Day 15: A long-short weekend

Song: Unlimited Sky Sung by: Tommy Heavenly6

Well I am still dredging at the fact that I might go home alone and no one would come pick me up. So I've made up my mind not to tell when I'll be home. I might accept the one week extension just to cool my head for awhile. Other than that, it's a Saturday. So it's laundry day for me. Lots of clothing to clean. Well I got a washing machine and dryer. Should be good enough but I need to iron my clothes afterwards. On the other end, Kuya Louie is asking me if I want to go swimming. I say "YES!". I miss the water. I want to go out and swim for awhile and get out of this room. Other than that, I asked a few of my officemates, so Grace said yes but dunno about the others. I might ask again later.

So far, I'm done with my laundry. Just need to dry the last set of clothes then I offered to go out. Mel and Uri wants to go to Mall of America, while I want to go to Maplewood. But I don't know. I want to go to both places to finally finish my shopping. Well, it's just the afternoon. A lot things can happen. So we'll find out on the way. Ok, lunch is ready. Gonna eat for awhile then bathe then start calling people. Later...

So it ended like this, we went out to Mall of America today. And tomorrow, we might go swimming if it doesn't rain.

I've been thinking lately of how alone I am and how I wished when I get home, someone will be there to meet me.

For some reason I got logged out in my blog. But anyhow, nothing much happened today. Mall, walked around, stayed, ate ice cream, that's about it. well, here's the song running in my head:

Trampling on the remains of a left-behind dream
The whimsical death god stopped and stood

Passing by, it watches me coldly
As if to instigate a foolish sin
It shook and untangled its outstretched hands

Devastating sadness
Overshadows my heart and
Is cruelly repeated over and over

We came to hate even those precious days we can’t return to
What can we do?
We didn’t understand the meaning
Of the glory we carried

The sensations that should have been cast away are resurrected
While clad in serenity
We accelerate and hide our irritations
Things like emotions are useless
But our hearts can’t catch up

The fallen angel swooped down on
The scenario of rebellion
Why are you outside the light?
I realized
If I hadn’t been born as I am,
Would I have been ridiculed?
Within in a selfless love
We don’t know things like solitude

I gazed into the distant sky
That reflected my nostalgia
But no matter how much I wish
I can’t be touched by eternity

I lost to my own darkness

Everyone who can stand is fighting
And carries unfading scars

Devastating sadness
Overshadows my heart and
Is cruelly repeated over and over

The stolen, fleeting light
Connects to the living proof
No matter the fate
I’ll accept it,
And live until the last moment


What's with this song? Well I'm kind of alone right now so I have to live with it for now.

Day 14: Going home alone...

Silent...

Everything was going well today. Projects completed, requests completed. I mean everything was going well. But when the wife called and talked to her. A few laughs and a few jokes. But when we got to the part of me wanting to see her home the whole day when I get home, it went sour.

All I hoped was then when I get home, I'd spend the entire day with my family. We also talked about it that I want to go home to my parents as the environment from her place is not something I liked. I feel irritated with the next door neighbors and I don't like their fake nice attitudes. It makes me more sick of thinking of going home there. Yes they're nice, only if you have. But when the time of need comes, they're gone faster than a blink of an eye.

it's been 2 weeks since I am here and surely any husband will long for his wife. But my wife had other plans which I don't want to impose. She told me she found a new place to work. I said go ahead. Don't let me stop her. Just go! But with that, it would mean she would go to a whole new training and may not have time to spend with me and my daughter when I get home. I just want her home the entire day. And if she can't, what can I do. Work comes first as we needed the financial aid as much as we can.

On the other end, I want to spend time with my parents and sister when I get home. So I think, I'd rather go home to my parents than go home. I just feel hurt knowing no one will come pick me. Yeah, who'll pick you up at 1 AM in the morning on a Monday. No one...

I'm tired. I'm going to bed...

Day 13: I'm no rocket scientist, I'm just human as the next person is.

Song: I wanna go to a place...
Rung by: Rie Fu

I wanted to go home but I have things to do here that are important and that meant to me a lot. My work is something I am proud of. And earlier today somehow I blamed and buried myself on a small human error. The entire morning til afternoon I was sulking like there's no tomorrow. I love my work. And I didn't want to lose it because of the small error I didn't see. I had lost my spunk. But this guy told me, even though I looked up to him as cause of problem for me, told me, he too makes the same mistakes. We're just human as the next person is. And with those small mistakes, it's what makes you do your good. Learn from it and live with it, another one said. And the best of all, if I continue to sulk over a small thing, it means I admit defeat to myself.

I wanted to go home on another part. Recently, I stopped blogging and skipped days 11 and 12 due to the fact that I've been very tired and exhausted. It's not that I am eating right, it's just that I am exhausted on getting my project completed. I miss my wife and my kids. But Daddy has to persevere and keep moving forward. It's a matter of being dedicated to job and making sure I bring home the ham to my family.

What I learned today are 2 valuable lesson:
1. Never sulk or dredge over small mistakes, learn from it, live with it.
2. Be thankful for the people that put their trust on you. They're your best allies and most of all keep up the good work.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I know I can put more effort to my work. And I will continue to make things better and never let it get to my head. Thanks!

Day 10: The Great Memorial day Mall Raid!

No Songs as I am just gonna make this quick. Pics are in facebook of what I bought. I owe Kuya Louie a lot of thanks. I want to add more but then I am so so sleepy and tired for the travel. *Sigh*

Day 9 - Flores de Mayo and the Filipino community

Song: Beautiful World
Sung By: Utada Hikaru



I woke following up on my previous blog. As I sat down on the sofa, eating a microwave lunch, Grace offered to go with her and attend the "Flores de Mayo" celebration near where we live. I said to myself why not rather playing all day and waiting for something to happen. And so I went. On the way there, I met this man, Roy, 5 years living in MN. They had a wonderful home. Small but it had a wonderful family inside. We drove a few minutes away and got to their home. There I met Maricel, Roy's wife. There daughter Jackie was preparing for the parade. The place where we went as peaceful that made me wish I could move here with my family. It was peaceful.

After all the preparations, we headed to church. But Incense is still bad for me. Dunno why but it really makes my head spin. We took a lot of pics of the place. And of the people. I met a few more people while we were there.

But honestly there are a lot things to talk about. I just don't seem to find the strength to continue. I'm gonna sleep early but probably when I do get the urge. I'd continue what I am to talk about this day. This day to me is very very eventful and a happy day.

Day 8 - Long weekends with Friends and Mall of America

Song: Complication
Sung By: Rookiez is Punk'd

Ok I owe myself an apology. I forgot to blog whatever transpired yesterday. I was so tired that bed + max = long straight snooze.

First thing first, I reconciled and asked to be forgiven. And she did. My wife has a big heart. And I love her for that. I cannot stay mad for so long on her. I can't. I really just can't. Half of my life now revolves around her. So everything is ok. We suggested not to argue while I am here. I pray it stays that way.

Secondly, I met the other people here in MN. Ok, so I am happier!

We went out to Mall of America and went on a shopping splurge. For once, I enjoyed my visit to Mall Of America. It was all me all alone before now, I have friends to enjoy the trip.

I finally bought the camera for my wife (Teal Colored). A Samsung SL605. So its a camera. Took pictures of some of the places. Might go out later and take more pics. On the other flat end. Hmmm... I think I took pics of the apartment I'm staying at and uploaded in facebook.

Ok, not much happened. It's the weekend. So later!

Day 7 - A long weekend...

Song: Yoru Tsuki
Sung By: Hoshimura Mai

One week has passed and 4 more to go. The days did flew by fast. But now, I'm starting not to miss home. It's kinda sad when I think of it. I don't want to go home. The only thing I miss now is, just my daughter. Nothing else. I really don't feel like sharing my thoughts right now but I think I had to let it out somewhere and probably this is the only place I can. No one would read this anyway and no one cared how I am actually. They'd just read it and that's it. Sucks. But then, who am I?

I don't like to argue. I'm not the kind of person who likes an argument. As much as I can avoid it I will. I don't like looking at the bad side of things but think there is always a positive side on things. I don't want to think of the problem I have but right now, I feel we still don't know each other well. Probably we would never understand each other. I really don't like to argue especially when you are arguing with someone who is half way across the country. I truly do not like it. I know I have my faults and I know I can't cover them. It's my fault. But I don't want to say I'm sorry. And I don't want her apology. That's all to it. I received her letter and answered. For the duration of my stay, I'll keep my loneliness to myself like before. I don't want to call home or answer to anyone. I'm shutting my world for now. Until I get back home. If that's what it takes to forget how things were between us. I'd want to forget it. Forget everything? Sigh... I'd honestly say, I feel miserable. Not because of the people around me but because of myself. There's no one to blame but me. And I guess being here could be a good punishment for me, exiled from the people I know. I'd prefer to think it that way. I'll try to forget things and more likely this won't go into facebook. This is a personal note on myself.

	English Translation
	Purity, more precious than anything, Once encountered, changes the world right before our eyes.
	The reason why we exist, In the past and in the future, Will surely be the same.
	On the night that I long for your love, The light of the moon shines through the window.
	Turning over the pages of my faded memories, I will open up all the feelings I tucked away.
	We possess weakness and fragility Yet we do not turn away our eyes Because of it.
	On the night that I wish for your happiness, The light of the moon flickers on the surface.

We possess weakness and fragility as the lyrics say. It is so true. We're not all strong. Even the strongest man cried. Jesus cried. Samson cried. I also cried. I'm not mr. perfect. And I don't know if the reason I was told for choosing me was something that would cheer me up.

As I read the letter, all I can feel was guilt. Why can't I be a better person? Why?

I don't know and for now, I'd park that question. I'm just tired...

Day 6 - It suddenly stopped.

My mind suddenly stopped. Got no music to run or anything. I'm completely stomped at the moment. But a few things happened today.

First word, Borito! It tasted good but the aftermath was bad. I didn't like what happened. It was like, never eat spicy rule, or you'll end up hurting yourself. If you know what I mean.

Second... nada. Nothing happened today. Plain boring except laundry day. Today is laundry day for me. And I've already made commitment to work tomorrow and Saturday. But looking for to Monday as Monday is memorial day here, expecting a sale in some stores. Praying.

Any how, also got a phone today. But got no one to call. So, that's about it for me today. Unless something comes along as the night fumbles.

Day 5 - Let the entertainment begin...

Song: Trust Me
Sung by: Yuuya Matsushita

Ok first things first, I finally got some entertainment. See side image. This should give me sanity for the time being. And also, this surprises me. As I am aware I only have like 1/3 on my pocket but out of nowhere, I have an additional... where did the additional appear. I thank God for this but again here is my entertainment.

Ok news flash, I am not alone. There are people from the same office as I am and how lucky I am. One of them I know. Thanking God more. So I might find myself more ok now. I have two things to keep me company.

Everything has turn out well today. and I hope the next days also. I'd admit, this morning, I was angry with my wife. They're the only contact I have at home and keeps me sane. And yet, no one was there to keep me company. I am still angry. And I'll let it blow off as I sleep. But I won't talk to her til the next day. Let her be angry and all for what I bought but I deserve something to keep me sane while I am here. Work itself is keeping me occupied through the morning but what about after it. And now even having neighbors I know seemed to make it better. The person I miss most now is my daughter.

I want to see my daughter soon as she is very much important to me of all. She's the reason also why I am pursuing this trip. I do hope things are ok back home with her. As for the rest of the day, I got to know more about Scott, the consultant. And a lot more about the office. We kinda talked about some of the things about our ethnicity or citizenship. Scott had been impressions on some filipinos but he said, after meeting me, he believes there are a good and bad side to both races. Which I am happy say, I am glad to make him see the better side of my people. But still it pains me to know there are people like what he said. *sigh*

Anyhow, the project I am at is moving forward. Everything is ok and progressing. I have a meeting tomorrow so better get to bed and all. I'll play with my new toy probably tomorrow but for now. I need sleep.

Day 4 - Your order... disaster burgers.

Song: Brave Song

Sung By: Aoi Tada

I'm no chef but so far this tells me, the burgers I made were a bit successful. I tried this back home but I had help from the wife. Now, it's just me. And I think, after having it for dinner, I'm learning. I have extra more so I think I can cook it til tomorrow evening. So I think, I can survive here and I think I can survive alone if I do happen to travel often.

I've been alone before. Growing up for me was a bit different. I'm used to having the company of myself but somehow, for this moment, how I wish I was not alone. I grew up somewhat in way used to playing alone and enjoying the company of being alone. But as I grew up, I learned to fear to be alone. I met a lot of people in my life and loved a few women. But to be honest, of all the reasons to have and say about marrying my wife and having a family is that I don't want to grow old alone. When I was a kid, I even mentioned that I'd not marry because I don't want company. Reason behind it, I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt. But as I get to this stage in life, I don't want to wake up alone.

I took some pictures outside the window of my office. It's not decent but its a start. I wanted to show atleast how beautiful the place is to begin with which is completely different from back home. At some point, I do feel at home here but I do want my family here with me to enjoy the place. The people do say Hi to me even if they don't know me or who you are. Minnesotta Nice is what they call it.

Today was quite busy. Brian had given me some things to do which I got to a few to finish. Other than that, I'm looking forward to the new add on to my app which I am given responsibility to.

Other than that, I keep recalling how lucky and yet sad I am. Lucky to be here, but sad, cause I'm alone. I go home, no one to greet me as I come home. I wanted to go out right now just to buy something to remove my loneliness but I keep telling myself to wait til weekend. 30 more days, I guess. Time will surely fly. Just trying to think positive now I guess.

Brave song... Trying to be brave in this city. Well what else happened to me today?

I guess that's all. Nothing significant. Some of the stuff are personal now. As in very personal, and not to be placed here. Sorry.

I guess that's it. Maybe something good will happen tomorrow. I hope...

Day 3 in St. Paul.

I'm about to lose myself if I don't find any entertainment here. My wife gave the go signal of buying what I want so I tried going to Rosedale to find the Store "Tomodachi". Found it but it was disappointing. It didn't have what I wanted. I am ending up here bored and wanting to go home. Well, this is God's way of telling me save my money and wife's way of telling I'm too old for toys. Ok so I got home tired and hungry but I owe steve big time. He helped get my groceries done.

I'm needing a bath so I won't take long to type. I'm just bored to death here and the only keeping me sane is work. Which is one thing I enjoy most.

Later...

Ok, there's a mean way to let things fall on me badly. One tomodachi is supposed to be a japanese anime goodies store. The only thing I was able to buy from the place was Pocky. that's it. Google it to know what Pocky is. but in short its a snack. 2nd thing, I almost got lost again, thanks to google map. I wanted to buy eggs in the 1st place and again going on the topic, I ended up in front of the grocery store telling me, go buy what I need. So I did. 3rd, the dishwasher is not user friendly. I ended up flooded with bubbles. Note to self, use less dishwasher detergent. All in all, things are becoming against me. And also my sanity is losing it. I have like til June 26th to stay here and with no means of entertainment, I am gonna be a robot. Josh commented earlier, "You're never too old to play". I wish that was the case, but heaven forbid I buy toys. I miss home.

On the contrary, living alone taught a valuable lesson, "responsibility x 10". The mess the dishwasher made, I had to clean or else the apartment will look bad. 2 I had to cook for myself or I'll starve to death. 3 , I had to fend for myself, why? I'll die shortly. So looking at things, there's a positive to living alone here. By the time I get home, I might do all this all over again. I pray my wife would be happy. I'll be home soon Honey. I love you always.

Day 2 in St. Paul...
Music: Long Kiss Goodbye
Sung By: Halcali

Good morning St. Paul. I'm a bit happy. I got to talk with the family but there was bad news with it. Back at my parents home, my sister is still having issues with my mom. I got to fix that when i get home. On the other end, I am eating a sandwhich at bruegger's. Pb&j on garlic bagel. Odd breakfast, but delicious! I like it. Going back, woke up with bad knee, went to walgreens and they open at 11. So I wait here at bruegger's. And so here I am at a bench waiting for walgreens to open. My knee is still in pain. But thanks to the Garlic Bagel, it relieved the minor pain. Tip, garlic is a good temporary pain reliever, effective but not for long.

Disregarding the pain, I went to look for my office and somehow, I have a map but still missed it. But I did find it. Walked all the way back to my bench and waited for walgreens to open. In some way, St. Paul felt like home. There are people up and about and friendly. I don't feel, how you say this, feel different. They're also humans.

Ok ten things to note myself and comment for this day:
1. Going from one place to another, make sure to get the directions on the way back. I almost ended getting lost again thanks to my brilliant navigation skills.

2. When you cook, make sure it's not to oily! I ended 30 minutes trying to remove what I cooked for myself for lunch. My cooking skill is still not that of an edible cook as I must say.

3. Always have change and short bills. I learned this from an african guy who I met on the bus station on the way to Mall of America. $1.75 from 6th St to Mall of America. Thank you, whoever you were.

4. Ok, grocery is half done, I need to find fresh vegetables and meat. That goes to my mission log tomorrow.

5. IT'S 8:00 PM! I want to go to sleep but like the sun here is like 3:00 PM back home, how do you expect me sleep! Should have bought cover for my eyes. My time is now really messed up.

6. I finally got to Mall of America. Good: Lots of things to go about, Bad: I don't know what to buy. So I bought me 2 Shirts from Sears and 1 cute cloth for my daughter. Only shows I remember my daughter first before everyone else.

7. Ok there were people that asked me to buy something for them, if they happen to read this blog, do tell me what you want me to buy. I'm no mind reader nor do I recall your feet size, body size and other stuff.

8. I so wanted to buy 2 things wait, make it 3: PS3 or Xbox 360 or NDS XL. Which one to buy: Problem wife will kill me if I buy one of those without her god like permission. Well that is if she says yes. There's a forth, a camera. To take pictures of the place, But I need to buy first a sim card to have my phone working and a memstick on my phone.

9. When you miss home, make it like you really miss it. Mean it. I WANT TO GO HOME!

10. Prepare, Patience and Smile. 3 things I gotta have while I am here.

Ok my head is hurting now. Going back. So I got me Tylenol to remove my bad knee. Ok. I'm calling it quits for tonight. I still owe the story about what happened to me about getting here. But here's one I can't forget. As I was looking for walgreens yesterday, I got lost, I found another store, bought some of my grocery lists, but when I was about to get back, I don't know where I am. So the bad thing about it is, the first person or people I asked where the local St. Paul Police Officers patrolling. Guess what, I got a free ride back to the apartment, courtest of St. Paul's finest. How's that for getting lost. Ok, I told the story to Arthur and he made a mockery of me. My sense of direction is really that bad.

Anyhow, onto the serious side, I miss my home. But the sacrifice it meant is big. I need the money to get our house built. I'm gonna try save as much as I can. I plan to buy that big screen TV as well for our home. But til then, I need to save 500 dollars on this trip. On the other end, I gave Arthur the go to buy his LCD monitor. I'll fix things when I get home.

I'll take pics of the apartment tomorrow when I get home to show to my wife. Well, good night for me, or good morning! Damn it! It's 7:40 and its like 3:00 PM!!! Good night.

Finally the day came for me to fly out to St. Paul. I couldn't sleep even that night. I kept thinking what might happen, if i'll get there safe. I did. It was tiring and yet here I was. Below is something I did while on the plane:

I thought we were about to go but the captain reported a problem with the engines. Now that scares me. I hope to go there and get back in one piece.

I finally got to narita airport. it's kinda funny. I was looking for Japanese souvenirs what I bought was another hat. Add another one to my collection. I took the time to go about the airport. There was time to go around. lots of stuff to buy but not now, maybe on my way home. Especially the kimono. I want my daughter to wear one.

I'm on my 2nd flight heading for saint Paul. Listening to the song, "leaving on a jet plane", somehow reminded me how I miss my family. I'm miles away from where they are. Makes me worry. I'm not sure if they are worried too. I wanna go home...
Ok, during the flight to St. Paul, one of the flight attendants keeps giving me the mean look. Did I do something to piss her? Anyhow, it's 9 hrs more before I get there. need Internet service to talk to the wife and kids.

That scared me. I just noticed it's early morning in the US. It's completely dark outside.
I look at the clock, it's 8 pm in Manila. at this point I'm thinking whether everything is ok back home. Whether they've eaten dinner. Or my daughter is playing with his big brother. The long flight has made me do a lot of thinking, was I a good father? Husband? Friend? Brother? I don't know. No one told me I did a good job as one of those. But who knows. I finished watching a movie, "Dear John". It told me that I should hope to be a good person, a good friend, father and husband. Accept the fact there are things you cannot change but learn to accept. 6 hrs more til I get there. Hoping to land safely.
Still up in the air, 4 hrs left. Can't wait to get off...

I gotta get off this plane soon or my mind is gonna blow up.

Almost there.

And there you have it, I'm finally here in the St. Paul. In my apartment. I'll take pictures, once i get my phone working. but for now, I miss home already. I'm alone in a quiet world.

I'll post more about today probably tomorrow. I'm a little dizzy and daze but I should be back up soon. Gonna take a bath and a quick snooze then back to the battle. I miss my wife and kids.

The long road away from home...

Song: "Complication"

Sung By: Rookiez is Punk'd

Tomorrow is the day I go to the US Embassy. If all goes well, I'd be out of the country for 5 weeks or even longer. Depends on my manager. Honestly I don't want too. Why? It's a long way from home. And I miss my home easily. But I have to take this. It's not for me it's for my family and for my work. I love my work. Ever since I moved office, things so far had become better. The people may have their quirks but they are my officemates. I like them. I enjoy their company. Maybe this time I may join group outings. Also I forgot, I made a commitment to Diane that I will join them this Saturday. Even if it takes the whole day. It's for the common people.

We'll be going to teach teachers... hehehe... teach teachers. tables have turned... ehem... anyhow, we will be teaching about IT Stuff. My part is to teach network. Dunno why, but hey, I know my network stuff. Unlike someone who is hugging me and keeps asking me. I don't know why. We're both in the IT business... she must have poor memory. But I love her always. She is one of the reasons I don't want to leave. Anyhow back to the original part of the story, like I said, we will be teaching public school teachers IT Related stuff. I somehow felt happy doing something like this. The first was when I spoke to the students about graduating college. It made me happy. I also owe them a chance to celebrate their graduation. If they graduate that is...

My life has never been better. My daughter is also healthy and happy. My wife is happy. I am happy. I don't really feel bad about leaving my old office now. I'll make sure my new office will get the most of what they're giving me in return.

Hmmm... I wonder what the next days will be for me. Well Good night! I gotta wake up early. And again... thanks...

Patience... is not a virtue. It is a sign that I am struggling not to smack someone in the face. Temporarily this preparing myself for the worst.

Gratification... Cruelty... Honesty... Friendship... Nightmares... Conclusion...

Change she says. Maybe I should...

I don't know and I don't care right now. No one really understands. Not even the person closes to me. I don't want my children to experience the same.

Let me do a little flashback: I was a loner since child, highschool and even college. I am used and accustomed of the company of only myself and my shadow. I didn't care about others that much. Well, I did sort of but no one knew about it. I was presumed by everyone a retard, an anti-social person, a nerd/geek. Name it. I had that nickname. I'm used to it.

Friendship?

Yes, I had friends but never enjoyed my company. They had their own group, I had my own. It's a complex... a personality complex and I might be suffering from my own complex, alienating people. At the moment, the only people I trust are a few but closes would be my family.

Cruelty?

I may have said something in facebook that could be cruel but to me it is true. I made time and yet made a fool to wait for nothing. I was told to return but I didn't. I was scared. I was scared of their cruelty. I would be an outcast to their group, which would bring me to even be more cruel.

Honesty?

I deleted my facebook account permanently... why? For honesty's sake, I don't want to get hurt. Even thou it's been like 16 years, I am still scarred and scared. I never grew out of this tortoise shell.

Friendship?

Why need friends when you have enemies like this? I can't sort them as villain in my own world. I can only say, I thought there was friendship. The feeling is heavy right now, thinking if they are still somewhat what I can call as friends.

Nightmares?

It has to end. Somewhere, some point. And I did. It stops here.

Emotionally I am unstable and tend to draw back. I tend to alienate people if I feel in a weakened state. I never grew out of this shell. Even my wife sees it often but she adapted. Why can't people adapt to others? I remember one phrase that somehow made sense but not applicable at the moment: "Seek to understand than to be understood". I want to understand why they did it but then if I were to know the reality of it, it scares me. So I drew back, walking... np, running away from it.

Nobody knows who I really am, maybe they just didn't care - quoting a song.

I want to change and it has to start from me. But to trigger change is to trigger my self-destruct switch. I am not yet ready to face them. Not like this.

If someone cared... then I guess, I would dare them to post a comment here, then maybe change can start and accept one's own truth.

Welcoming 2010...
Theme: Sky Chord ~ Otona ni Naru Kimi he~ (Bleach)

"So many things... so many memories... so many to look forward too... but then... I should take it slow or it will pass by like it was before..."

I was thinking lately, I am a lazy bum. It's 2010 already and like there are a lot of things to do. The year 2009 passed like a blur to me that I didn't notice it is already 2010. I've left the old office and moved to a new one. Met new and great people. Worked with the same friend. Leaving for a different adventure. Things happened faster than I expected. It's been 2 months since I transferred but never had the time to stop and think, what is it for?

Let me enumerate:

1. Family
2. Personal
3. Career

That should be it. But what was the underlying reason: perhaps tired of the same scenery. I told myself I would change my pace and somehow change my attitude for this new office. Gonna pounce on it like a Taiga (tiger)!

Another thing that somehow got into my head, what was I this 2009?
Was I a good father?
Was I a good husband?
a friend?
an employee?

No one can answer since no one knows I am writing here all my thoughts but I guess I'll leave that in 2009. For now, my attention and devotion for this year goes to my daughter and my wife. Our plan... a new house to call ours. Praying it happens this year!

- Maxwell